r/nottheonion Nov 29 '22

Buddhist temple left empty after all monks test positive for meth site altered title after submission

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-63792923
6.8k Upvotes

3.2k

u/Envenger Nov 29 '22

I predicted the last word to be covid. Meth out of no where.

607

u/jabby88 Nov 29 '22

I actually read it as COVID at first then did a double take

155

u/BobBelcher2021 Nov 29 '22

Covid infused meth

170

u/ErikTheAngry Nov 29 '22

Methamcovidmeme.

44

u/SukoshiKanatomo Nov 29 '22

So sad that this new word makes as much sense as it does

→ More replies

26

u/aeroxan Nov 29 '22

I read this in Teddy's voice. "Covid infused meth, Bob. You gotta try this stuff."

→ More replies

13

u/NoButtChocolate Nov 29 '22

Same which is the only reason I clicked on this comment section

22

u/Trindokor Nov 29 '22

Same.. Was already scrolling past it when I realized what actually was written there xD

41

u/THEKILLERWAFFLE Nov 29 '22

Meth from the top rope!

13

u/Envenger Nov 29 '22

Meth with a steel chair.

25

u/warrant2k Nov 29 '22

'It wath a complete meth in there." - Mike Tyson

29

u/engineerfieldmouse Nov 29 '22

Like a left hook

7

u/DarkMatterBacon Nov 29 '22

Meth for the win!

5

u/flaccidcolon Nov 29 '22

I definitely did not have monk meth on my 2022 bingo card.

5

u/momjeanseverywhere Nov 29 '22

There is meth to the madness!

6

u/Aurora_BoreaIis Nov 30 '22

Yeah, it's methed up :

2

u/R9D11 Nov 30 '22

They probably used the Ivermectin version from Ali Baba to prevent Covid ; IverMethin..,

→ More replies

898

u/thedabking123 Nov 29 '22 Wholesome

Just imagining either

  1. A total junkie hell hole
  2. A Rush Hour fight scene, except all the time.

178

u/Old-Reporter5440 Nov 29 '22

I choose to believe option two, man that's hilarious

46

u/mcoca Nov 29 '22

I can hear Chris Tucker yelling already

23

u/granknoxx Nov 30 '22

"Ain't noone that can understand the words coming outcha mouth"

29

u/mods_r_jobbernowl Nov 29 '22

They're very disciplined so I'd imagine the later.

77

u/Gh0stMan0nThird Nov 29 '22

Smoking meth is like the least disciplined thing I can think of doing

45

u/Dismal_Struggle_6424 Nov 29 '22

Smoking just a little meth when you're sitting on a temple full is the most disciplined thing I can think of.

16

u/Xeludon Nov 29 '22

just a touch, a tickle, a smooch like you're kissing your sister!

https://youtu.be/dB2WWr6Yb2U

8

u/ClydePossumfoot Nov 29 '22

Thank you so much for this.

3

u/Envenger Nov 29 '22

Loved that.

3

u/t4ct1c4l_j0k3r Nov 29 '22

All of that pent up energy held still and calm, fuck yeah that's some discipline

33

u/mods_r_jobbernowl Nov 29 '22

Meth is how the Nazi blitzkrieg was so effective. All the troops wired as hell on meth. It's very good for that.

14

u/Gh0stMan0nThird Nov 29 '22

I think that's a common myth. Although amphetamines were prescribed to soldiers to help keep them awake.

11

u/mods_r_jobbernowl Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

Absolutely not a myth. Couple that with the rest of Europe preparing for peace time when Germany was ready for war and you see how it was, effectively until he turned on Stalin.

24

u/Gh0stMan0nThird Nov 29 '22

Yeah but you didn't say "coupled with the [thousand other factors] that was involved in WW2." You said "Meth was how Blitzkrieg was so effective" and I don't think that's an accurate statement.

I'm not saying they didn't take meth. I did some digging myself and the best I can find is that from 1938 to 1941 Pervitin was prescribed to soldiers until the Nazis themselves then made it illegal (which also didn't really slow the drug use much on the frontlines).

I'm sure it helped, but I don't know what percentage of responsibility it shared.

sauces:

https://www.history.co.uk/article/the-drug-that-fuelled-the-nazi-blitzkrieg

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22849208/

→ More replies
→ More replies

2

u/WanderingSparkChaser Nov 30 '22

It's not myth.... They were all given tons of it. Germany used methamphetamine, everyone else used amphetamine.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

1.4k

u/umrathma Nov 29 '22 Helpful hehehehe

Speedrun to peace and enlightenment, any %

222

u/Ma3vis Nov 29 '22

It certainly helps with the self induced starvation, rice only diet plan

and with keeping things minimalistic if you're selling everything out the temple and the bathroom sink like one of them redneck junkies with broken down cars all in their front yard stealing people's propane tanks to pawn off at a local store for cash in hand

82

u/DanYHKim Nov 29 '22

But Thailand has a problem with monks being obese as well

The monks aren't able to control their own diet -- it's at the mercy of the offerings they receive each morning. Traditionally, those alms are calorie-rich foods, either processed or homemade -- with the Buddhist faithful wanting to offer something of high value and taste.

The monks are also forbidden from eating anything after 12 p.m., having only one or two meals a day between the hours of 6 a.m. and noon.

This means it's hard for monks to change their diet.

Maybe the monks were using meth to lose weight?

35

u/a_jormagurdr Nov 30 '22

Starvation isnt a thing that monks are required to do. Buddha tried starvation and self immolation and didnt find enlightenment in it.

21

u/Zombata Nov 30 '22

okay never heard the second one before. so he just set himself on fire and after a while was like "yeah this isn't gonna work"?

17

u/mtheperry Nov 30 '22

Siddhartha never set himself ablaze as far as I know. He tried asceticism for a while, the practice of depriving oneself of any indulgence (even satiating actual hunger), but realised he couldn't do much good so he didn't believe it was the path, which led to the Buddhist doctrine of The Middle Path.

6

u/Inthaneon Nov 30 '22

Hard to think of a way out on empty stomach.

→ More replies
→ More replies

27

u/Nirusan83 Nov 30 '22

Tea is synonymous with Zen as it was widely accepted by early zen monks because it helped them stay alert during long meditation sessions. So like I’ve been saying for years green tea is a slippery slope to speed. There is a myth surround teas origin that claims Bodhidarma / aka Daruma tore off his eyelids in frustration trying to stay awake, and the tea plant grew from that spot. Tweaker activities man.

6

u/umrathma Nov 30 '22

Gateway drug

2

u/badgersprite Nov 30 '22

Gateaway drug

5

u/Fujimora_Pansu Nov 30 '22

Are you seriously comparing green tea to meth right now

28

u/cgmacleo Nov 29 '22

Summoning Salt music plays

4

u/GranPapouli Nov 29 '22

monk with suspiciously arcusesque mustache and cowboy hat hits a PB on the third chakra

ohhhmmm... klonk

5

u/6InchBlade Nov 30 '22

I’ve heard drug use is extremely common in monk communities, just some antidotal evidence to back up this article.

3

u/Cleanupisle5 Nov 30 '22

antidotal

2

u/Incar-Nation Nov 30 '22

soteriological

→ More replies

113

u/Bruce_Ring-sting Nov 29 '22

Bet that monastery was spotless!

26

u/DudesworthMannington Nov 29 '22

It was the kung foo fighting that gave them away. Those kicks were fast as lightning.

109

u/blondechinesehair Nov 29 '22

Why were they testing them?

95

u/kenziethemom Nov 29 '22

This was my first thought! Like, do monks get routinely drug tested?

55

u/blondechinesehair Nov 29 '22

And then who asked them to leave?

7

u/gwenver Nov 30 '22

Yeh, those religious orders have a big problem with drugs cheats...

37

u/king_oscars_island Nov 29 '22

Meth use is usually pretty obvious. I’d think for monks it would’ve been over the top obvious

19

u/DaveInDigital Nov 30 '22

esp when everybody is doing it. not only obvious to see, but word would've got out from somebody.

476

u/Zerp_N_Flerp Nov 29 '22

The real headline is at the end of the article ...."police officer who had been dismissed from the force for methamphetamine possession killed 37 people during a shooting at a nursery." Whaaaaaat!

165

u/froggison Nov 29 '22

Yeah it was a big story last month. Terrible and tragic, I can't even imagine the pain of those parents.

39

u/djk29a_ Nov 29 '22

When I first read it I was wondering if he went crazy after hours of staring at bags of fertilizer stuck there while his wife shopped then realized it was the other kind.

10

u/jellybeansean3648 Nov 29 '22

Shit, that was only a month ago?

4

u/MotoMkali Nov 30 '22

Imagine your son being sacked from the police. Yeesh

-33

u/Raikoye Nov 29 '22

police officer who had been dismissed from the force for methamphetamine possession killed 37 people during a shooting at a nursery

Who knew that Anakin didn't have anger issues but a meth problem?

76

u/froggison Nov 29 '22

22 children were murdered in real life, and their families are still coping with unimaginable pain. Making a Star Wars prequel joke is in bad taste.

75

u/siverwolfe2000 Nov 29 '22

Yeah that's methed up

→ More replies
→ More replies

454

u/ItsTheAlgebraist Nov 29 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome

Breaking Buddh

105

u/lllama131 Nov 29 '22

Better call Siddhartha

15

u/S13Ni Nov 29 '22

Brother Wal Tuh

→ More replies

3

u/SlaveLaborMods Nov 29 '22

Naw, this is the temple frank Gallagher prayed at

482

u/Graveyardigan Nov 29 '22

You'd think that Buddhist monks of all people would know better. Meth highs and withdrawals make meditation far more difficult.

320

u/callmepinocchio Nov 29 '22

They wanted a harder meditation. It's the equivalent of training with heavier weights.

93

u/anonymousFishGod Nov 29 '22

Meth Lee

24

u/xThoth19x Nov 29 '22

Drops 2 tons of meth on the floor and prepares to go super fast

→ More replies

10

u/ConsiderationWest587 Nov 29 '22

Meth and meditation seem diametrically opposed. How do they not dance to the imaginary music?

15

u/PsyFiFungi Nov 29 '22

Take a bunch of meth. You'll meditate more than you ever have in your life. I mean, you'll be primarily meditating on your dick, for multiple consecutive hours, but that's life.

→ More replies
→ More replies

183

u/TransposingJons Nov 29 '22

Many Buddhist Monasteries are more like Juvenile Detention. It's where families send wayward sons or sometimes sons they can't feed due to poverty.

Serious Monasteries are somewhat rare.

120

u/Final_Biochemist222 Nov 29 '22

Have been a monk in Thailand and my experience is that most people who became a monk became that way as a way to escape from their worldly problems, such as poverty, family issues, or stressors.

11

u/a_jormagurdr Nov 30 '22

I can also confirm this. I was at a temple in southern thailand, lots of monks had tattoos from the Thai mafia, and ordained to get protection.

I ordained as a novice for a short time as the tradition goes, and they asked if i wanted to be sent to a forest monastery instead. I wanted to see what it was like in the city. Wasnt as hardcore as i expected it to be.

3

u/Final_Biochemist222 Nov 30 '22

So were ij the forest temple or the city temple?

4

u/a_jormagurdr Nov 30 '22

I was in the city temple, if i said what city it would probably be easy to doxx me. It was a good sized city tho. Old city.

45

u/Helenium_autumnale Nov 29 '22

(Once again, as in the recent carved-Indonesian-mask-auction-won-by-a-cat thread, an expert with an incredibly specific skill/experience materializes out of nowhere to add unique expertise; I love Reddit).

22

u/FawksyBoxes Nov 29 '22

You say that, but I used to live in the suburbs in the US and there was a monastery down the road. You'd see monks at the grocery store on a semi regular basis

5

u/aishik-10x Nov 29 '22

could you point me to that thread?

9

u/Helenium_autumnale Nov 29 '22 Helpful

Absolutely! it is here; enjoy!

2

u/aishik-10x Nov 30 '22

Thank you!

26

u/Present-Clue-101 Nov 29 '22

Which is good. It's like having a job that is also your therapist.

16

u/Calenchamien Nov 29 '22

… I don’t think therapy works that way

10

u/Gh0stMan0nThird Nov 29 '22

Yeah this sounds like Bioshock propaganda lol

4

u/dinosarahsaurus Nov 29 '22

Geographic therapy works that way

8

u/Helenium_autumnale Nov 29 '22

Did not know this. Now I feel a bit disillusioned.

3

u/LongBongJohnSilver Nov 29 '22

I just heard a story about a monk stealing a car and trying to book it out of there the other day lol. Boys will be boys.

3

u/AmethystOrator Nov 29 '22

Carry on, my wayward son

93

u/NoNotInTheFace Nov 29 '22

It really enables methitation though.

12

u/Commie_EntSniper Nov 29 '22

He who methitates is lost.

13

u/Croute_de_Couilles Nov 29 '22

Easier to reach for higher planes this way

10

u/HardPawns Nov 29 '22

They were just trying to raise the bar /s

10

u/quotemycode Nov 29 '22

The monks have to eat what they are given. The Buddha died after eating tainted pork. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19813312/#:~:text=Buddha%20died%20from%20an%20illness,toxins%20of%20Clostridium%20perfringens%20infection.

Some say he knew it was tainted, but because it was in his bowl, he had to eat it. Could these monks have been poisoned? Perhaps.

2

u/woahdude12321 Nov 29 '22

You sound like you’ve tried this

→ More replies

414

u/PizzaQuest420 Nov 29 '22

"all monks" it was 4. there were only 4 monks there.

340

u/No_big_whoop Nov 29 '22

Yes but they each had the energy of ten monks

26

u/Catoblepas2021 Nov 29 '22

I read this in Richard Dawkin's voice.

102

u/TheJunklest Nov 29 '22

One year I accompanied my sister and the rest of the school dance team to the State competition. They got 3rd. There was hella fanfair when they got back. They got banners made and plaques and stuff.

There were only 3 teams. Last. They got last.

45

u/ISLAndBreezESTeve10 Nov 29 '22

Reminds me of the time as a 15 year-old coming back from New York as a chess champion, trophy awarded. I went 0-2, and was the only “un-ranked” player, so I won my category. Trophy still stands in school trophy case.

11

u/ISLAndBreezESTeve10 Nov 29 '22

Edit: from the Atlantic Open

10

u/TheJunklest Nov 29 '22

Milk it.

2

u/ISLAndBreezESTeve10 Dec 01 '22

I am the 1986 Atlantic Open Chess Champion…. / ask me anything.

5

u/SantasBananas Nov 29 '22

They got last, but at least they went to States. That's still something

3

u/sdn Nov 29 '22

Have you seen that Netflix series “cheer?”

Apparently there are only two teams in that particular completion.

→ More replies

20

u/Aunise Nov 29 '22

A catchy headline is more important

→ More replies

65

u/wrydied Nov 29 '22

What’s a little meth between friends at the temple? People are so puritanical nowadays.

16

u/Wimbleston Nov 29 '22

If you can function on meth, get cooking for all I care.

18

u/GrandmaPoses Nov 29 '22

In the short term, people on meth can get a lot done. It’s when the addiction sets in that it all goes awry.

2

u/wrydied Nov 29 '22

Exactly - and who says these monks addicted or even regular users? They just failed a drug test which might have pulled up casual use months ago. Monks need to party too.

7

u/[deleted] Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 29 '22

[deleted]

4

u/wrydied Nov 30 '22

I love how your scientific knowledge has upended my kind hearted assumptions and turned these monks into drug addled pieces of human garbage that drink their own piss.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 30 '22 edited Nov 30 '22

[deleted]

→ More replies

53

u/YessikZiiiq Nov 29 '22

Leave the meth monks alone.

14

u/rickyhou22 Nov 29 '22

Pretty surprised this things can happen outside of South Dakota with their "Meth, we're on it" slogan

36

u/Flash635 Nov 29 '22

There's no entry requirement to be a Buddhist monk. Some of them are on the run from the law.

39

u/mk36109 Nov 29 '22

And some of them are on the run because they cant sit still due to the meth

5

u/browtfareyoudoing Nov 29 '22

🏃‍♂️💨

11

u/Helenium_autumnale Nov 29 '22

Man, this is really sad. I know part of being a monk is extended or all-night meditation sessions, at least it was in Korea. I wonder if that's how it started, to keep their strength or alertness up.

Merit-making is an important Buddhist practice where worshippers gain a protective force through good deeds - in this case by giving food to monks.

I like this concept. Force or no, it results in good being done in the world.

51

u/ChocolateTsar Nov 29 '22 edited Nov 29 '22

Mr Thintapthai told AFP that the "temple is now empty of monks and nearby villagers are concerned they cannot do any merit-making".

Anyone looking to be a monk? Looks like a temple has four openings.

21

u/Kaligrade Nov 29 '22

Do they have free wi fi,and coffee maker?if so Im in

17

u/Old-Reporter5440 Nov 29 '22

Better, they have free meth! When do I start?

11

u/mcgargargar Nov 29 '22

Meth: when you need to chant for four days straight and not eat. Meth.

8

u/DenaBee3333 Nov 29 '22

It just doesn't sound like it would be their drug of choice. I would think that weed would be better for meditation, et al.

6

u/LittleKitty235 Nov 29 '22

I don't claim to be an expert on meditation by any means, but I would think drug use of any kind makes it impossible. Altering your consciousness in any way seems to be defeating the entire point of the exercise.

7

u/DenaBee3333 Nov 29 '22

I don't know. I think I've had some pretty good meditations on marijuana.

→ More replies

3

u/a_jormagurdr Nov 30 '22

Yeah, but if we were to rank them weed would still be better than meth for meditation.

10

u/jdabsher Nov 29 '22

“If you wish to be one with the world, bring me a teenth and don’t snitch.” - Buddha probably.

19

u/Ephemeral_kat Nov 29 '22

So they became Methodists....

20

u/Mysterious_County_64 Nov 29 '22

I think they confused meditation with medication

2

u/preshowerpoop Nov 29 '22

And then they confused medication with METH.

→ More replies

7

u/PhasmaFelis Nov 29 '22

Mr Thintapthai told AFP that the "temple is now empty of monks and nearby villagers are concerned they cannot do any merit-making".

Cannot do any what?

23

u/SentientLight Nov 29 '22

The primary practice of lay Buddhists is to serve the monastic community for karmic merit. So they can’t farm karma anymore without monks present.

6

u/overlord7517 Nov 29 '22

Reddit should institute a similar policy...

8

u/Aridius Nov 29 '22

The monks are there to farm karma for the lay people.

Way ahead of their time.

5

u/Iamtevya Nov 29 '22

Bots for the soul?

3

u/zimirken Nov 29 '22

Oh, like youtubers who feed homeless people.

2

u/a_jormagurdr Nov 30 '22

Except monks choose their life, and the people giving dont get something material they can spend.

→ More replies

5

u/Joethezombi Nov 29 '22

FWIW It was only four total people.

6

u/Syncoped Nov 29 '22

Wait, they drug test monks???

4

u/No_Strategy148 Nov 29 '22

Yaba mixed amphetamines and caffeine

4

u/djheru Nov 29 '22

I guess Buddha just wasn't enough any more, they needed something stronger

3

u/Ok-Wasabi2873 Nov 29 '22

They read the memo wrong, to be one with everything you’re suppose to take MDMA (Methyl​enedioxy​methamphetamine). They only read the first four letters and got that from their dealer.

4

u/Nekaz Nov 30 '22

That's methed up

8

u/cote112 Nov 29 '22

I AM THE MOST ZEN HUMAN BEING IN HISTORY - meth monk

3

u/Hperkasa7858 Nov 29 '22

Ah so meth is the key to nirvana

7

u/Iamtevya Nov 29 '22

Which is weird because I was pretty sure heroin was the key to Nirvana.

3

u/OddLibrary4717 Nov 29 '22

You meditate your way and I’ll meditate my way.

3

u/simulacrotron Nov 29 '22

They all became Methodist

3

u/Kennyblankenship9883 Nov 29 '22

Okay but who is selling the monks meth

3

u/Gilgamesh026 Nov 29 '22

Meth seems like the least buddist drug ever

3

u/ChadStrife Nov 29 '22

Did walter white visited that temple?

6

u/djheru Nov 29 '22

My mom always told me that Buddha was a gateway drug

2

u/fattyfasting Nov 29 '22

and she’s a christian?

2

u/djheru Nov 29 '22

She's not a Christian, she's dead.

5

u/North_Refrigerator21 Nov 29 '22

My wife’s dad was police chief in districts in Thailand. He didn’t have much respect for monks (very unusual in Thailand). According to him it’s not unusual with problems like that and other things that are definitely not befitting of monks.

2

u/Rincewinded Nov 29 '22

What's wrong with doing math?

6

u/North_Refrigerator21 Nov 29 '22

Nothing. If everyone would just be more focused on doing math it would be good.

4

u/Sutartsore Nov 29 '22

"I've finally found Nirvana..."

[Smells Like Teen Spirit begins playing]

4

u/Present-Clue-101 Nov 29 '22

Cannabis is widely used in South Asia.

And Buddhism believes in moderation not banning.

→ More replies

5

u/Celestrael Nov 29 '22

Namethste.

2

u/sonbarington Nov 29 '22

There’s a lot of temple to clean. This stuff will keep you going! /s

2

u/Omnivud Nov 29 '22

Well, that explains a lot.

2

u/mtjp82 Nov 29 '22

Super focused!

2

u/taigashenpai Nov 29 '22

Let me guess, Thailand? *reads article* yep..

2

u/Suitable-Mountain-81 Nov 29 '22

This is bad. This is ground for disrobing.

2

u/Darkbeetlebot Nov 29 '22

Of all the drugs a monk could take, meth is the last one I expected. Well, maybe second to cocaine.

2

u/defusted Nov 29 '22

Ok, meth was certainly the very last thing I thought I'd read they tested positive for.

2

u/Nick85er Nov 29 '22

Lol. Just.. Damn

2

u/Kcidobor Nov 29 '22

This is one of the most unbelievable headlines I’ve ever read from this sub. I’m incredulous, literally

2

u/Retro-Squirrel Nov 29 '22

What a sham this monk business is

2

u/pixeljammer Nov 29 '22

Why is it easier to believe in Meth Monks than it is to believe in Merit Making? What a world.

2

u/mistermithras Nov 29 '22

Buddhist Methmatics on the next Geraldo/Springer hybrid show :D

2

u/daveisamonsterr Nov 29 '22

I did meth and found Buddhism searching for peace of mind during withdrawal. I don't think it works the other way around.

2

u/sim16 Nov 29 '22

"Lots of monks, not a lot of enlightenment."

2

u/Efffro Nov 29 '22

Imagine getting so many food donations you and all your brethren have turn to pipe to keep your metabolism up to get through it all, whatta thoroughly devout bunch of gentlemen.

2

u/Sonyguyus Nov 29 '22

Hey hey we’re the monk-ees, people say we’re always mething around.

2

u/PoopieButt317 Nov 29 '22

Read the "MORE ON THIS STORY" Drug selling cop kills 37 is the real kicker. Didn't know Myanmar is the biggest meth maker in the world.

2

u/ahekki Nov 29 '22

So thats the secret to true enlightenment... huh

2

u/Juls_Santana Nov 30 '22

....and now you know the secret to completing all 37 chambers.

"Buddha's name be praised"

2

u/farmon7 Nov 30 '22

They were meth-itating

3

u/pubalo Nov 29 '22

Seems like Frank Gallaghar paid them a visit.

2

u/smoke99999 Nov 29 '22

man this really makes all them Sunday morning kung fu films make a lot more sense now

Always wondered how them dudes could fly around in tree tops and defeat entire armies

→ More replies

2

u/Fingapapit Nov 29 '22

those are some methed up monks

3

u/umrathma Nov 29 '22

Bless this meth 🙏

2

u/ozmartian Nov 29 '22

All FOUR of them. No biggie, move on.