r/Tinder Aug 12 '22 Silver 1 Helpful 1

She unmatched me, perhaps she took it the wrong way? Or was I being a try hard? (I’m from US, moved to UK)

Post image

Any advice helps! Be honest please.

28.9k Upvotes

13.9k

u/atticcheese Aug 12 '22

that strategy is gonna backfire on you more often than not.

1.1k

u/ChairmanNoodle Aug 13 '22

Nothing even hints at grunge in that pic either

650

u/huhIguess Aug 13 '22

That's the real kicker.

Well put together blouse and matching tanktop underlayer, modestly chic necklace, natural hair:

"You look like a poser 90's grunge girl."

Say what now?

And once you get past the insult, you start wondering whether darts is a lewd euphemism and now you've potentially been told you like to suck the cock.

Swipe left.

172

u/thecrustypigeon Aug 13 '22

No you forgot, she doesnt like to suck cock. It just completes her outfit.

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u/morgy_choder Aug 13 '22

Agreed until the darts part, that very objectively means cigarettes

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u/turriferous Aug 13 '22

Yeah she looks more post grunge alternative. Like 96 or so.

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u/Ok_Carrot_2029 Aug 13 '22

She looks like a pulp fiction character

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u/andy6ix Aug 12 '22

I’ve had multiple backfires

4.0k

u/Soggy-Anxiety-1465 Aug 12 '22 Helpful

See a doctor

4.7k

u/andy6ix Aug 12 '22 Silver Helpful

My doctor would probably un match me after one conversation

1.2k

u/ComfortableCandle560 Aug 12 '22

At least he can’t post about it on Reddit

1.8k

u/andy6ix Aug 12 '22

“I quit my job today so could post about my patient the other day” on r/doctors in a couple weeks

69

u/therobshow Aug 13 '22

Its me. Ur doctor

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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22 edited 28d ago

[deleted]

16

u/bilzycruze Aug 13 '22

From the delivery birds just put in your order and boom comes in 9 months

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u/ComfortableCandle560 Aug 12 '22

Damn you actually got me there

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u/Jwil408 Aug 13 '22

Damn you actually got me there

Under "Things OP's matches will never say"

60

u/JafarrFromAfar Aug 13 '22

I spit out my water

26

u/SpupySpups Aug 13 '22

At least one person got wet

46

u/gutpirate Aug 13 '22

Lmao.. Poor OP getting slaughtered out here.

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u/gen_x_24601 Aug 12 '22

I think you’re hilarious! I hope you find the person who appreciates your brand of humor!

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22

See a mechanic

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u/multigrain-pancakes Aug 13 '22

So how many times does it backfire before you actually stop doing it?

87

u/Maggo777 Aug 13 '22

All of them, until there is not a single woman left on tinder who he has not tried it on

34

u/steepindeez Aug 13 '22

I did it. I beat the algorithm. I've matched with and been ghosted by every woman on Tinder. No man is my equal.

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u/yamuthasofat Aug 13 '22

Could it be? Am i so out of touch? No, it’s the women who are wrong!

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u/StriderSkywalker Aug 12 '22

I love breakfast burritos

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u/BlackBirdG Aug 12 '22

Then quit doing it and quit being a try hard then lol

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u/thenamescook Aug 13 '22

You started a conversation by categorizing her..

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u/LilLordFuckPants404 Aug 13 '22

As someone who is English descent, make sure your grammar is en pointe with English girls. Plus, your comment was the kind of fun insult you make with someone you know better.

170

u/myweird Aug 13 '22

Yeah I'd be a bit put off by being called grungy looking and that I smoke to look cool 😂. It sounds like he's negging. That's more of a jokingly insulting banter you might have with a good friend.

65

u/SunnyAlwaysDaze Aug 13 '22

Lot more ladies are hip to the negging BS now. For dude/OP types Pro tip- most don't like it at all, see it as a red flag. So guys please hold off on the "cheeky banter" you'd use with a pal until after you've met in person or talked a bit more. It's gotta be after you've established a respectful tone to interactions.

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u/JellyKapowski Aug 13 '22

Exactly. Cheeky banter right at the top feels strategic and icky. Respect first, then cheek.

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u/KoppigWijf Aug 13 '22

Change your attitude then, I can see why you are getting unmatched.

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u/jon909 Aug 13 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy

Can’t any of you fuckers act normal

1.4k

u/ashpanda24 Aug 13 '22 Gold

This sub has convinced me that a significant number of the dating pool has no idea how to communicate with people without being insulting or rude. Like, wtaf?

1.0k

u/Low_Well Aug 13 '22 Silver Starry

It’s also made me realize why so many guys think dating apps are shitty when they have openers like this.

372

u/Seahorse-Radish Aug 13 '22

“You dodged a bullet bro.” - this sub when OP’s use the worst openers in recorded history

137

u/Xeran69 Aug 13 '22 Silver hehehehe

When you think you've dodged a bullet but you were actually the bullet.

9

u/government_candy Aug 13 '22

Someone award this redditor

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u/PastFeed2963 Aug 13 '22

I mean, I could have guessed, but it also shows me why women hate them too. Being the recipient of all that.

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u/Dani_California Aug 13 '22

…then blame women’s “too-high standards” for not being receptive to this garbage

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u/NumpyNimpy Aug 13 '22

No. That’s why we use Reddit.

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u/Ok_Nefariousness9736 Aug 13 '22

Totally, all these dudes come across as trolls.

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u/HappyPedro25 Aug 12 '22

Seems like a diss when I first read it

5.4k

u/mortar_n_pestilence Aug 12 '22

I mean, OP basically called her a poser...definitely a diss the way I read it

860

u/decoy88 Aug 13 '22

Openers should be provocative but not insultingly so.

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u/Alarid Aug 13 '22

amateurvocative

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u/ShowMeYourHotLumps Aug 13 '22

Yeah this is basically negging and dumb as hell.

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u/thegirlisok Aug 13 '22

Negging never should've been a thing. Had one dude try it on me ever and I just stared at him until he went away.

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u/Default1355 Aug 13 '22

It comes across as entitled. "I've decided who you are based off a single picture before ever even talking to you"

Basically it makes it seem like op is r/iamverysmart material

Way to blow your chance before you even start. A lot of women don't like when men mansplain anything, especially not their personality based off their appearance in one picture.

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u/PinkFloyd6885 Aug 12 '22

I wouldn’t ever assume that girl from that shirt alone smokes darts. That’s shirt is also definitely not 90’s grunge… maybe a flannel or really anything without flowers and colors

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u/Local871 Aug 13 '22

What are darts in this context?

77

u/PinkFloyd6885 Aug 13 '22

Cigarettes

79

u/Asleep_Onion Aug 13 '22

Weird, I've been to the UK countless times and this thread is the first time I've ever seen cigarettes called darts.

I thought smoking darts meant, like, she's super good at playing darts at the pub

64

u/diwalk88 Aug 13 '22

Calling smokes darts is a Canadian thing

26

u/poopyhelicopterbutt Aug 13 '22

Very common in Australia too

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u/Rendakor Aug 13 '22

Can confirm, I first heard it in Letterkenny.

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u/Zes_Q Aug 13 '22

It's very standard in Australia, too.

Not everyone uses the terminology, but everyone knows what it means here.

Used interchangeably with durry/durries.

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u/iProtein Aug 13 '22

I hear it a lot in Minnesota and the Dakotas too

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u/highlandharris Aug 13 '22

I live in the UK and this is the first time I've seen cigarettes called darts

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u/LookingForVheissu Aug 13 '22

Yeah. I don’t think it’s that the joke isn’t funny, it would be with someone who actually fit the aesthetic of the joke. OP didn’t read the room right.

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u/Sassrepublic Aug 13 '22

Right?

“I opened by calling her shallow and fake and she unmatched, what am I doing wrong?? :((( “

Attempt to think before hitting send.

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u/FlyoverCryptographer Aug 13 '22

ikr! it's almost like it's hard out there for dudes because women have standards and self worth now.

786

u/smilesdavis8d Aug 12 '22

Seems like a diss when I reread it.

....each time.

341

u/A_Furious_Mind Aug 12 '22 Wholesome Take My Energy

It started out with a diss. How did it end up like this?

136

u/Mr-CL34N Aug 12 '22

It was only a miss, it was only a miss

85

u/bumbles220 Aug 12 '22

Now she's ending the match

66

u/Significant_Bed7021 Aug 12 '22

And she’s swiping left

63

u/reddituser198777777 Aug 13 '22

Now she’s smoking some darts, and she’s way out of breath

44

u/MatthewKashuken Aug 13 '22

Now she left him on read, and she’s done with his shit

52

u/Kind_Nepenth3 Aug 13 '22

And it's all in his head, she's not touching his dick now, the thought makes her sick now. Nice try, bro...

28

u/RagingWookies Aug 13 '22

But I just don't know, why did heeeee, message her that though....

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u/xa3D Aug 12 '22

JuSt a prank JoKe BrO

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u/AndrewWaldron Aug 12 '22

Ya, she's nothing like a grungy 90s girl, so ya, kinda an insult considering she's going for a more The New Girl look.

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u/Bellar101 Aug 12 '22

Same here. I believe she also sees it as a diss

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u/andy6ix Aug 12 '22

I can’t unsee it

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u/Engels777 Aug 12 '22

How did you write this NOT thinking it was accusing her of superficiality is my question.

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u/itsacalamity Aug 13 '22

right?? what is the OTHER interpretation?

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u/myweird Aug 13 '22

C'mere you fake ass grungy poser!

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u/Muted-Smoke-5545 Aug 13 '22

This is probably how he talks to people all the time

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u/nobonesjones91 Aug 12 '22

Any reason you couldn’t just say something like, “I really like the shirt you’re wearing, I’m really digging the 90’s style”

Instead of, “you look like you smoke cigarettes to look cool”

216

u/GoodTimber Aug 12 '22

“Smoke darts;” like what is this, trailer park boys? Haha “Corey, Trevor, Smokes!”

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u/MountainCheesesteak Aug 12 '22

Darts is Letterkenny, either way definitely Canadian TV popular in the US.

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u/markychauns Aug 12 '22

Canadian here. Can confirm calling cigarettes “darts” has been part of our culture long before Letterkenny

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u/BellyButtonFungus Aug 12 '22

Aussie here, 31 and we’ve been calling them darts since before I was born

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u/vdog300 Aug 12 '22

Don’t forget grungy that compliment gets all the ladies

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u/MostBoringStan Aug 13 '22

Lol yeah. I get he was saying grunge style, but telling a woman she looks grungy... I just don't see that working very often.

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u/myweird Aug 13 '22

I like grunge music and I wouldn't be into being called grungy looking lol

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u/dbudzzzzz Aug 12 '22

Hindsight is 20/20

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u/villasv Aug 12 '22

The fuck

That’s common sense. How about not dissing someone first minute into conversation?

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u/Distinct-Shoulder-51 Aug 12 '22

Should’ve had hindsight

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u/fakehendo Aug 12 '22

Some guys prefer to be alone

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u/kswagabon Aug 12 '22 edited Aug 13 '22

Instead of trying to be witty or cute, just try to be selflessly nice. That's never a bad start and harder to misinterpret?

Edit: Nice as in KIND. Not the colloquial 'nice guys'. There' s a whole subreddit for people who haven't done enough self reflection r/niceguys

I'm (F27) not saying don't show your humor but if you're sending a message wondering if it might be misinterpreted try a different opener maybe. For OP specifically, maybe getting her talking with something like 'I like your aesthetic how would you describe it'? Would be a better method to get a positive response than calling her shallow and pigeonholing her.

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u/Party-Yak-2894 Aug 12 '22

Yeah. You’re negging her. It’s not cute.

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u/therealdildoexpert Aug 12 '22

Op definitely knew it was a diss too.

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u/itsacalamity Aug 13 '22

not sure OP's main goal with this conversation was a date and not a thread

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u/Perenium_Falcon Aug 12 '22

Dudes just trying to not get laid on tinder/hinge/planet earth.

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u/sassydegrassii Aug 12 '22 Wholesome

This is too 500 days of summer for me

260

u/gayety Aug 13 '22

Seriously I’ve never seen a comment that read like they were desperate for a manic pixie dream girl without actually using the words manic pixie dream girl. I would’ve unmatched with the quickness too

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u/sunnyduane Aug 13 '22

Literally the thing that makes me cringe the most is when a guy tries to impose a personality on me. Or say how he thinks I'm feeling.

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u/ithacaslover Aug 12 '22

This comment needs more upvotes, that is so accurate aha!

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u/peachinthemango Aug 12 '22

You called her unauthentic- of course she unmatched

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u/andy6ix Aug 12 '22

Like a poser? 😭

2.7k

u/HanEyeAm Aug 12 '22

Yes. Saying someone would smoke (or do whatever) just to complete a "look" suggests they are superficial.

794

u/andy6ix Aug 12 '22

U right

667

u/CosmeticTroll Aug 12 '22

I'm curious, what did you think you were saying?

197

u/colddietpepsi Aug 12 '22

Read a pick up artist book with, “neg hits?”

49

u/HAN_CH0LO Aug 13 '22

I think he was going for a bit a “neg”

593

u/Johnycantread Aug 12 '22

'I am too insecure to ever say anything authentic or meaningful so I will cast shade in an attempt to portray any semblance of a personality when, in fact, I am afraid to connect personally else people may see I am not the person I portray myself to be'

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u/rossie_valentine Aug 13 '22

Excuse me, i didn't come here to get personally called out

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u/Unlucky-Ad-6710 Aug 12 '22

Bro I didn’t do shit to you how you gonna do this?!

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u/ConaireMor Aug 13 '22

r/notopbutok

Eta: it's truly a comment with so broad an application it hits us all right in the feels.

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u/KrisTenAtl Aug 13 '22

And that’s not 80’s grunge either so you’re 0:2. You can almost always turn a comment like that into a compliment instead, you will fare better.

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

[deleted]

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u/Unusual_Fork Aug 13 '22

If a potential date or partner calls me grungy and writes me what you have written, I'd end the conversation.

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u/quasi-psuedo Aug 12 '22

This wouldn’t work in the us either, bro

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u/Trouterspayce Aug 12 '22

NEXT TIME TRY A COMPLIMENT

282

u/Arson-Welles Aug 13 '22

“I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could totally be drinking whole if you wanted to.”

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u/SpoonGuardian Aug 13 '22

Fuck what's this from?

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u/ValuableRefuse2198 Aug 13 '22

Napoleon Dynamite

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u/XanthicStatue Aug 12 '22

That was pretty bad. Try not insulting your matches immediately.

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u/-Greenlung Aug 13 '22

Oh my God you're so hot, for a girl!

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u/andy6ix Aug 12 '22

No more slander ✍🏽

430

u/MassoFog Aug 12 '22

It's written, therefore it's libel

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u/djentleman_nick Aug 12 '22

"Slander is spoken, in print it's libel" - JJJ

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u/WhyAmI-EvenHere Aug 13 '22

He’s the sole reason I can remember the difference.

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u/tilson73 Aug 12 '22

Im an advocate of MORE slander 🗣

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u/Modest_Matt Aug 12 '22

I'm from the UK and have no idea what 'smoke darts' means

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u/ChancyPants95 Aug 12 '22

From the US, still didn’t know.

Apparently, it means smoking cigarettes.

324

u/transtranselvania Aug 12 '22

As far as I know it’s Canadian slang any American I’ve ever said it around has never heard it. He must be from right near the border or something.

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u/RlyRlyBigMan Aug 12 '22

I wouldn't know it if it weren't for Letterkenny

"A beer and a dart go together like a piss and a fart"

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u/potandskettle Aug 13 '22

And here I thought they just meant actual darts..

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u/Aardvark_Man Aug 13 '22

It's used in Australia, too.

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u/Subulie3 Aug 13 '22

Oath. Punching darts and breaking hearts

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u/Legitimate_Skin_626 Aug 13 '22

'punch darts' in Aus tbf.

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u/eh_one Aug 13 '22

Also said in Australia

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u/ChancyPants95 Aug 12 '22 edited Aug 13 '22

Regional dialects are interesting.

Where I’m at we say, ‘smoke a Joe.’ I imagine no one would understand what I was saying if they lived anywhere other than the south-east.

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u/transtranselvania Aug 12 '22

Honestly it’s one of the slang terms I’ve heard all over Canada that isn’t general English. My region has a lot of specific slang that most Canadians wouldn’t understand but that’s one of the few.

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u/katiemurp Aug 12 '22 edited Aug 13 '22

Canadian who has never heard the term “darts” for cigarettes. (Ref: Ottawa valley and Anglo Quebec)

Edit to add : lol! Over 30 yrs ago. Proof dialects change.

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u/immaownyou Aug 13 '22

Ive lived in Ottawa my whole life and almost everybody calls them darts and cigarettes interchangeably lol. Most of the time we just say dart.

We had a saying in high school for some girls, smoking darts and breaking hearts

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u/TSE_Jazz Aug 12 '22

It’s a Canadian thing I think

Source - Canadian

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u/Mickd333 Aug 12 '22

Aussie here and we'd usually say "punching darts"

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22

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u/chilled_n_shaken Aug 12 '22

From the limited photo you posted, she doesn't appear to be going for the 90s grunge look. You probably offended her.

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u/MarbCart Aug 12 '22

You called her shallow/vain. It was pretty rude not gonna lie.

How would you feel if someone said to you “You give off this vibe like you only do things to seem cool, not cause you enjoy them.” Does that feel good to hear?

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u/bizmeddit01 Aug 12 '22

No. It’s just not a very nice thing to say; “I like your look as it probably matches your fake personality.” I can see why she reacted like she did as most would.

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u/GenderfreeNameHere Aug 12 '22

Just a tip, most women don’t like to be told they’re shallow in first contact. Even if you’re trying to be funny. And failing.

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u/HotGirlBummer54 Aug 12 '22

Kinda seems like your calling her fake and that her personality is just put on to fit an aesthetic lmao

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u/swigswigswigswig Aug 12 '22

Sorry dude i cringed reading that

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u/ghost-goo Aug 12 '22

If I were her I would assume this was an insult. Especially the "because it completes the outfit" gives the same vibe as "oh you like that band? Name 5 songs"

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u/sometimesyoukno Aug 13 '22

It IS an insult. Put in anything where “grungy girl” & “smoking darts” are and it’s still horrible.

“You look like a GenZ Egirl who plays video games not because she likes them but because it completes the outfit.”

It’s a fucking diss.

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u/Comrade_Zamir_Gotta Aug 12 '22

Smokes darts

That’s a very canadian/Midwestern term for cigs, maybe she didn’t understand.

Edit: autocorrect

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u/boiseboz Aug 12 '22

I didn’t know what that was, I thought since they were in the UK he was referencing the pub game.

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u/catagonia69 Aug 12 '22

I thought it was a UK cig brand

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u/Snoo-53847 Aug 12 '22

I thought Tranquilizers honestly

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u/MysticLeonidas Aug 12 '22

Thank you. I was confused as to what "smoking darts" meant.

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u/AlpineVW Aug 12 '22

I honestly thought he was saying she became good at playing darts (being she was from the UK), even though she doesn’t like playing.

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u/spongish Aug 12 '22

People say darts in Australia too

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u/miraaksleftnut Aug 12 '22

I was gonna say “US? Darts is very Canadian”

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u/joombar Aug 12 '22

What are they? Literally just cigarettes? Most people wouldn’t consider being called a smoker very flattering

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u/nbmnbm1 Aug 12 '22

I was at a music festival in canada that is close to the us border so my camping neighbors were from the us. They of course wanted to know slang and stuff. Well at night one of them wanted a cig and asked me "hey what should we say to the camp over there if we want a smoke?" Of course said theyre called darts. They were too lazy to walk over but eventually someone walked by and the people asked "hey you got a smoke" and the person replied "naw we're out of darts." And i just laughed and said told you so.

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u/Nichol-Gimmedat-ass Aug 12 '22

Idk about that, its a popular term for them in Australia too

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u/justamie Aug 12 '22

You quite literally told her she was shallow. I’d have unmatched you too.

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u/Smiley301677 Aug 12 '22

I mean, does look like yer just being a dick mate

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u/Large_Capybara Aug 12 '22

Brit guy here, won't lie it seems like a bit of an insult imo. Also as said before darts is only mentioned here as a sport rather than cigarettes.

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u/lovesuplex Aug 12 '22

You called her a poser. You should think about what you want with your interactions with other people.

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u/jpegtaylor Aug 12 '22

"let me tell you about yourself on the first message" is always a turn off and is usually 50% of a woman's inbox

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u/CaptWaaa Aug 12 '22

Yes I would’ve unmatched as well

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u/No_Bend8 Aug 12 '22

You thought it was a good idea to call a woman "grungy" lol 😂 oh no

293

u/nx85 Aug 12 '22

It wasn't even that part for me as I get the grunge style from the 90s. More so saying she'd smoke cigarettes for her image. Absolutely ridiculous.

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u/Viocansia Aug 12 '22

Especially because given the photo, she’s not grungy at all? And if some dude told me I looked like I smoke cigarettes of all the god awful things just to look cool, I would unmatch also.

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u/kaihatsusha Aug 12 '22

There's also grunge and grungy. When I think grunge, I think of people throwing PNW lumberjack flannels over rock band t-shirts. When I think grungy, I imagine black fingernail dirt, five o'clock shadow, and greasy blue mechanic's coveralls. Neither apply here.

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u/Simplyaperson4321 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22

You look grungy and like you smoke cigarettes to act cool. Smooth

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u/haviles04 Aug 12 '22

You kinda labeled her right out of the gate

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u/ChemicalFennel3 Aug 12 '22 Silver

You completely disrespected her, suggesting she was shallow and only cared about her appearance. If you can’t see that, you’re an idiot.

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u/brielarstan Aug 12 '22

If my first impression is this might be negging I unmatch. Next time go with a compliment that doesn't need explained.

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u/L-o-l-reddit Aug 13 '22

How old are you OP? I'm not sure what about that outfit screams "grunge" to you... Ignoring the blatant insult on the back end of the comment of course

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u/SheMovesLikeThis Aug 12 '22

I can’t come up with any scenario in which I’d take “you look like you’d smoke cigarettes because you think it looks cool” as a compliment.

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u/diamondthedegu1 Aug 12 '22 edited Aug 15 '22

Honestly, the part about you commenting on her being a grungy 90's looking girl who may or may not smoke darts (or cigarettes) is fine, it's the very next part where it can be taken entirely the wrong way, 'because it completes the outfit'.

You're suggesting she is shallow and vain with this comment. Nobody (aside from teenagers) smokes because it makes them look cool or, somehow, matches their aesthetic. Nobody actually does that, because very few people care about their appearance to quite that degree. Sadly I do see why she may have been offended.

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u/TuffGenius Aug 12 '22

Bro even chicks who like to “smoke darts” (horrible word choice) would never appreciate you assuming they do

Good general rule of thumb for you is to not mention any kind of substance until it’s time to shoot the shot of “want to grab a coffee / drink”

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u/reddituser_05 Aug 12 '22

"smoke darts?"...what person from the US says that?

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u/Mcgruff Aug 12 '22

What're you, Canadian? Cuz I am, and if I didn't already know smoking "darts" means "cigarettes" than I'd probably assume it means "sucking dick". Especially if I was from the UK. 🎯

Know your audience, and be nicer to people.

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u/elephantgif Aug 12 '22

You’re essentially calling her a poser.

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u/ankhlol Aug 12 '22

OP seems insufferable

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '22

Is this all the posters here do now? Post them clearly being a dink and asking "WhAt DiD i Do WrOnG?!?!"

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u/SudsySloth Aug 12 '22

Your compliments are trash

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u/missyellowraincoat Aug 12 '22

Seems like you’re just judging her based on her appearance/ style and it doesn’t even seem like a compliment. This will definitely backfire multiple times. I’ll definitely unmatch right away. What kind of response were you looking for? “Thank you” ? I wouldn’t know how to respond to this lol.

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u/emmy585 Aug 12 '22

Totally get what you’re going for. But if you say something like this and it isn’t accurate, it could totally be misconstrued as insulting even though I can see you didn’t mean it that way at all.

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u/Emergency-Mission-44 Aug 12 '22

Grungy can also have multiple meanings.

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u/detronlove Aug 12 '22

Super asshole vibes for sure. Two texts in and you’re already dissing her? Not a good look.

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u/Ill-Appointment6494 Aug 12 '22

Don’t compliment a girl with a negative thrown in.

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u/Sirdimetrious Aug 12 '22

No, you just have no game!

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u/FanofBobRooney Aug 12 '22

Nothing wrong with just asking how her day is going or what she’s into. You obviously found her attractive since you matched with her. No need to go into her “aesthetic” until you’ve established a rapport.

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u/Friday-Cat Aug 12 '22

I’d have unmatched too.