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META Looking for a Post? Ask Here! - August 2022 Edition

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r/BestofRedditorUpdates 11d ago

META Monthly META Discussion + 500K Subscribers! - Aug 2022

257 Upvotes

BoRU Discussion thread, keep it friendly & respectful.

 

Congrats on 500K!

We just hit 500K subscribers! Thanks to the BoRU community for bringing us interesting content to spend hours reading and for sharing your perspectives in the comment section. The mod team has also been amazing in handling the growth of the sub especially behind the scenes with the summer break influx of trolls. In line with Reddit as "the front page of the Internet," we're overall happy with the lively, dynamic energy and engagement on the sub everyday.

 

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r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1h ago

CONCLUDED In which OP asks if they're TA for defending their son in his own home

Upvotes

I am not OP. This is a repost sub.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w3h460/aita_for_telling_my_sil_to_watch_her_mouth/

My husband hosted a dinner party last night for his family. They tend to have a big one two or three times during the summer and it was my husband’s turn.

It was also my 17 year old son Luke and I’s first time meeting his extended family.

We both come from pretty well off families but his is pretty snobby from what my husband told me.

I was a bit nervous but Luke was a mess. My husband and his step sisters tried comforting him but by the time everyone arrived, he would not leave my side.

It was okay-ish. They were definitely snobby but most of them were okay. Maybe slightly out of touch but harmless.

The real issue was dinner. Everyone was sitting at the dining table and my husband told us earlier that his family say grace before eating so we were waiting for everyone to get situated.

I then noticed Luke fidgeting and he was starting to sweat as well. I grabbed his hand to calm him down and he was shaking. I was extremely confused and concerned and next thing I knew he had taken a large bite of the mashed potato on his plate. Nobody cared or noticed except my SIL who was sitting right in front of him.

She gasped very dramatically and said “I can’t believe he ate before grace. How disrespectful.” She then turned to my husband and said “Your wife is lovely, but I’m getting bad vibes from the boy.”

I was shocked and immediately told her to watch her mouth. Her husband (SIL’s, not mine) then told me to watch my son. By that point, my husband told them to stfu or leave so they shut up. But it was pretty awkward and my SIL was glaring at me the whole time. Before leaving she told me that I ruined dinner and that she can see where my son gets his behaviour from. She implied I was the asshole for telling her to watch her mouth and embarrassing her and being rude.

My husband told me to ignore her but his other sister and his mother as well are asking me to apologize and start disciplining my son. So AITA? It’s pretty low stakes as I’m more concerned about my son’s behaviour (he‘s been acting extremely out of character) but I want some perspective :)

Verdict: NTA

Some top comments:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w3h460/comment/igw5lnk/

NTA. "Discipline" your son for taking a bite of food before a grace that his household normally doesn't even say?? Ridiculous.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w3h460/comment/igw5sd6/

NTA. She disrespected your son in his own home AFTER you made the accommodations for their religious practices that you clearly do not follow yourselves. The entitlement and cruelty of so many Christians really knows no bounds.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w3h460/comment/igw5xav/

NTA, but also INFO?. I'd have done the same thing, a guest in your own home telling your son (in his own home) that he's disrespectful in front of everybody isn't right at all. I'd understand if he said or did something rude ir outrageous, but then it would be YOUR job to say something discreetly with him, but for taking a bite of food before SHE saw it to be acceptable?! Just no.

Out of curiosity, why was your son so nervous that he wouldn't leave your side and sweating and shaking? And also, is saying Grace a normal part of your dinner times? Because if you don't do this often, he clearly didn't understand.

Either way, NTA. You didn't allow a virtual stranger to embarrass your boy, the same way I wouldn't.

OP's response to the above comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w3h460/comment/igw6fk7/

Glad to see that I didn’t overreact!

And the thing is, I’m not sure myself. He’s usually very carefree but something triggers him out of nowhere and he turns into a different and extremely anxious person. We’re taking him to a therapist soon though so we’re definitely getting to the bottom of it.

And yeah no, we never do grace. Never something my family did.

Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/woqvil/update_aita_for_telling_my_sil_to_watch_her_mouth/

So I didn’t expect to get so much attention from my original post as I posted it at like 4am and it was really low stakes and something I posted out of pure curiosity.

I was glad to see that I was not the AH. To be honest, the only reason I was doubting myself is because my MIL is probably the wisest person I know and was insistent that I was in the wrong.

So the update. As a lot of you are aware, my focus was my son and I told my husband as much which he respected. He said he would deal with his sister and he did... but my father in law had a pretty terrifying health scare and we were forced to meet.

I didn’t want to cause a scene considering the circumstances but my SIL apologized for saying the things she said but she also told me that she still believes that my son was disrespectful. She then told me that she had noticed him sneakily eating stuff off the dinner table all night (so before the dinner) and thought that was something I should be aware of.

I told her that she needed to apologize to my son and idc about what she finds disrespectful. She just walked off so idk there wasn’t much improvement there. She’s also back in the states now and we won’t be seeing her for a while.

As for my son, the thing she told me about my son sneakily eating stuff concerned me for a couple reasons and basically after pairing that with the extreme anxiety and similar behaviours with food, we managed to book an earlier appointment with not a therapist like originally planned but our doctor. We were then referred to a mental health professional and after some time he was diagnosed with OCD. Not gonna go into detail about that but it’s been pretty confusing and I’m just thankful we were able to see a health care professional so quickly.

We now have a therapy appointment specifically regarding his OCD in the next week and we’re taking this all one step at a time.

Also despite my mother in law’s previous beliefs about the incident, she has been extremely supportive and told me that she’s been thinking it over and that she doesn’t think I was in the wrong as I was just defending my child (who she believes did nothing wrong either). She apologized and now we’re cool again.

Anyways, thanks for all the comments and I really appreciated everyone’s concern regarding my son. He’s going to be okay and so is our relationship with my husband’s family.

Again, I am not OP. This is a repost sub.

Edit: mobile formatting issues.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 16h ago

ONGOING OOP's husband confesses to being in love with his sister after 6 years together

13.0k Upvotes

*EDIT - In love with HER SISTER, in love with OOP's sister I'm so sorry for the weirdly wrong title :')

I am not OP. Original post and updates by u/ThrowRavin- on her profile and r/trueoffmychest.

(Timelines untracked as OOP supposedly made a new account and reposted all her posts, 6 hours ago)


Original, 1st update and 2nd update (posted on OOP's profile):

https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRavin-/comments/wo5f9d/my_husband_m33_told_me_f28_that_hes_in_love_with/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

My husband (m33) told me (f28) that he’s in love with my sister (f32). I’m pregnant and I don’t know why this is happening to me

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/w3jb5z/my_husband_m33_told_me_f28_that_hes_in_love_with/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

My sister and I had a shitty life growing up with a passive mother and abusive stepfather. My sister was my protector and role model since no one of the adults were. She tried to shift my stepdad’s abuse on her when he got drunk so he wouldn’t hurt me. When she left for college she let me stay in her bed while she slept on the floor in her student room, the days I managed to run away from home. When I turned 16 she let me move in with her permanently. We never saw our parents again.

My husband is very similar to my sister. They’re both very calm and kind. Both very intelligent.They have the same sense of humor, love the same music, books movies and games. It’s like a weird perverted thing that I found the male version of my sister to fall in love with. They get along very well and that was so important to me because they’re my only family. We got married a year ago after 6 years together and I’m 27w pregnant now with our first baby.

My sister met her BF(m30) a years ago. He got along very well with me and my husband although I always felt that my husband never really liked the guy. When I asked him once why he didn’t like him, he got flustered and told me that he didn’t know it was noticeable and apologized. He told me he just didn’t think he was good enough for her.

HER BF proposed to my sister last night. We were just having pizzas and they were having beers in my sisters balcony and the BF just suddenly went down on his knees and took out a ring. She was very surprised but happy all the same and said yes. When we went back home my husband was a little tipsy. He told me he wasn’t tired and that he’s going to take one more beer and watch TV and that I should go to bed. I went back to the living area and he was sitting there crying. I asked him what’s going on and he told me that he was in love with my sister. Has been for years but that he knew how wrong this was. He told me that loved me very much and promised to be a good husband and father to our daughter. He slept on the couch. He’s still sleeping now.

I’m shocked and full of anxiety. I don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. My sister, should I tell her? Nothing can be the same again but she’s my only family and my best friend. And my husband. Is this over? I have been so blind now I see everything, of course he’s in love with her how could I be shocked now? Can I save this marriage? And my baby? I promised her a better life than the one I had. I promised her kind and loving parents. I can’t let her come to this world with estranged parents and new people in their lives. What can I do?

Edit for an update

He is awake now and I have spoken to him.

He apologized for hurting me last night. He said that he just felt despair like he had something very beloved and important in his life that he lost and he was mourning it. He told me he loved me very much and he wanted for this to work for us and the baby. I asked him if he loved her more than me and he said it’s just a different type of love.. I asked him if he could choose between me or her he said he’d choose me. I asked him if he thought she was more beautiful and he said that I’m conventionally more attractive. I asked him if has stayed with me all these years to be near her. He said I was being unfair to him because he did love me. I asked him if he is okay never seeing her again. He teared up but then said he would do anything to save this marriage. He then added that he never really had a mother or a female figure in his life. That’s probably why he’s attached to her because she is very warm and loving. I asked him do you love her as a mother figure or do you want to sleep with her. He didn’t want to answer. I asked him if he fantasized about her while sleeping with me. He refused to answer at first and then said why are you doing this to yourself. I asked him will lose interest in me if she’s out of our lives and it’s just us. He looked like he was thinking about this for the first time and then he said that he chose me and my baby. He wants to start therapy and counseling because he thinks this marriage is salvageable.

update 2

We had a dinner with my sister and her fiancé. My husband was unusually silent and didn’t initiate any talk with my sister. And he barely looked at her. It was a nice dinner. My sister is too happy to notice anything with her engagement and trip tomorrow. Before she went however my husband hugged her, longer than usual. He told her he was happy for her and wished her a great trip. All while hugging her then he held her hand and told her I didn’t congratulate you properly yesterday because I was drunk and he congratulated her again. He was tearing up again. Then he hugged my sister’s fiancé. And congratulated him. He was silent on our way home. He told me he loved me when we got back and that he will do anything to make this work but that I shouldn’t take any decisions while hurt. We are starting couples therapy. I want him to be 100% honest. He asked me not tell anyone about his confession because it meant nothing. I told him that I didn’t want him around my sister anymore if I would give him a chance. He asked me how this would work when we’re always together. She will suspect something and he doesn’t want me to tell her because he’s embarrassed. I told him he could just minimize his interactions with her. I told him to sleep on the couch again tonight because I haven’t made up my mind about my next move yet and that until then it’s the couch for him.

Good night and thanks for everything including teaching me how to make bold text

What an exhausting day


Update 3 (posted on her profile):

https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRavin-/comments/wo5fi6/update_3/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Update 3

Update 3

I’m thankful for everyone who’s reaching out asking for any new updates. I just don’t think I have information enough to make a new post. But I have gone through all the comments and thank you. I asked my husband for separation because I need to be in my own to make my decision. We are also starting MC. Wether we stay together or not. I want to know everything that he has been withholding from me. He thinks I’m torturing myself but he’s wrong. I’m tortured with half truths. With MC I’m hoping I could get to the bottom of his feelings in a safe environment. He cried when I told him that I wanted to separate. He told me he has lost everything in one day because of a drunk confession that meant nothing. He loves me and he wants to be with me. He suggested that we move away. He has had job offers in other cities on several occasions. He said this could be our new start.

We were renovating the basement this summer to make it a guest room because our current guests room is being turned into a baby room. He will live in the basement. It has separate entrances and the mini kitchen is almost finished.

I have decided not to tell my sister about any of this. This is my battle and my marriage. I love my sister so much but I’ll be very honest here. I resent her. I’m jealous of her and I think I have always been jealous of her. She’s a way better person than I’m. I hate that I never had the chance to return the favor as she always been perfect and never needed help. I resent that she isn’t as angry as I’m about the injustice we had to endure. I HATE that she’s so good to me and my husband. I hate that he sees how much better of a person she is and I hate that I don’t blame for loving her instead of me.


Update 4 (posted in r/trueoffmychest):

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wo5fu0/my_husband_confessed_to_being_in_love_with_my/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

My husband confessed to being in love with my sister; the aftermath

Hi! I was here about a month ago with my woe about my husband breaking down and confessing that he was in love with my sister and has been for years. The short version is that we’re getting a divorce. And that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with our daughter. I will include the original post

After my sister’s engagement, and his confession. He made me a promise that he will love me and that he’s going to do all in his power to be a good and loving husband and father. He didn’t want me to tell my sister anything because he was embarrassed and we slowly started to plan a future together in another city. He was already getting a better job offer in the other city and now he thought it was time to move on. I agreed. We started MC. I told my sister that we were moving and she was very distraught but she as always didn’t object and supported me. I don’t know if she felt it was weird that my husband wasn’t hanging with us anymore but she never asked. She was probably just busy with her own happiness and the changes in her life. After her vacation she came home and told me everything. She was pregnant and she was glowing, and that was the reason for this sudden engagement. Her fiancé wants to get married before the baby was born. She asked me to keep it a secret (she probably didn’t mean even from my husband but I kept it a secret anyway) because she was waiting for the second trimester to make the announcement. She finally broke down crying however about me moving away when she needed me the most but then later apologized for being selfish. She understood that we needed to provide the best life for my daughter including finding better jobs elsewhere. I cried for a whole week.

A week ago my husband was in a job interview in the other city and he was going to stay there for the week to sign a lease to a new apartment (we thought we could try out the new life before selling our house to buy a new one there). My sisters and her boyfriend made the announcement that they were expecting last Tuesday , the day after my husband’s interview. Not 30 minutes later my husband called me. He was drunk and he was crying and asking if it was true and if I knew. He called me a cruel liar for not telling him. He said it was so unfair. My sister’s fiancé was a loser and he didn’t deserve her (her fiancé is a carpenter and my sister is a pediatrician) and he told me he needed to be alone for a while so switched off his phone.

Friday he texted me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and that he didn’t want to be in my daughter’s life. He was sorry but couldn’t do it anymore. If I agreed to free him from his responsibilities as a father he will leave me the house. I tried calling him but he had switched off his phone again. I cried all night. Yesterday morning my sister called me to ask what’s up. My husband has asked her to meet up with him because he wanted to tell her something that he couldn’t say over the phone. That he was coming on Monday to see her. She asked me what’s going on but I was too tired to tell her anything. She and her fiancé are coming over today and I will probably need to tell her everything now.


FINAL UPDATE (Added to OOP's last post):

Edit for final update

Hi again! I knew I could count on you for support. My sister was here and I told her everything. I got help from showing her parts of what I have written here because honestly I’m too tired to go into details about what I’ve been going through all these weeks. I told her that Lucas was going to call asking to meet her probably to tell her he loved her. or maybe something more sinister so she need to stay away from him. her fiancé was on the edge of his seat with anger. My sister was just crying and apologizing and trying to hug and stroke my hair. I hated her touch I don’t know why, I know nothing is her fault. I told my sister that now I warned her I want to be in my own for a while and that I didn’t want any contact with any of them.

I have been thinking about moving to another city. There’s a small town that one of my best high school friends live in after getting married. Its up north and everything is bigger and better and cheaper. I can easily find a small rental until the divorce is final and I can easily get a job there. If I can manage a pace there I can give birth up there with zero stress.

I texted my husband that I’ve told my sister everything and that both her and her fiancé aren’t happy. He called me an hour later. He apologized and told me he didn’t mean to freak her out. He just wanted to see her and say goodbye but that he won’t bother her if she feels scared. He’s still the same man and wouldn’t let anything happen to her. He didn’t ask about me or my baby. He’s staying in the new place and he’s starting his new job in September. He thought he would come back to say goodbye before moving to his new city permanently.

My sister texted me later that she loved me and that she would stay out of my way if that’s what I wanted but to please not go through with my plans to move. Because she needs me and she would do anything to make it up to me. I didn’t answer. I hate it when she’s so perfect and kind. Fuck off


Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 11h ago

NEW UPDATE "I purposefully ruined my cousin and ex's wedding and it's brought me a lot of happiness." NEW UPDATE

3.4k Upvotes

I am not OP, that would be u/randomnamenumber3 and special thanks to u/giant_tadpole for commenting on my previous BoRU to let me know about this new update. I know I flaired the previous post as concluded, sorry I was wrong

Previous BoRU post

Update - 14 August 2022

Hey friends. I'm still getting DMs asking for updates and the like, and honestly, I'm still baffled people care enough to ask.

I do read your DMs. I've not responded to any because it's a little overwhelming. I've had over 70 people DM me now, all but two of whom were sending me messages of love and support. I really appreciate it, and I'm sorry for not responding. Like I said, it's just overwhelming. I might go through and respond some day. For now, I just open up my reddit and read the messages whenever I'm feeling down or generally just struggling to think positively. It really helps.

Anyway, onto the update. Not a lot to update really. Not had much luck with the dating so I gave up. I finally went on a date with two separate girls but neither of them were my type so I didn't arrange for a second date with either.

The first constantly talked about her ex and how much of an asshole he was. Obviously I can relate pretty hard, but it just gave me the impression that she hadn't moved on from him. After we'd finished our date I walked her home and she offered for me to come inside and watch a movie with her. I declined and lied, saying I needed to go home and feed my cat (I don't have a cat right now) and she seemed to buy it. I felt bad for turning her down and I hope she finds someone who'll treat her well, she seemed like a sweet girl but she's just hung up on a toxic ex.

The second girl was just painfully boring. She constantly talked about Love Island, I'm a Celeb and a few other shows I can't remember the name of. I faked an emergency just to get out of it because 5 minutes with this woman felt like several decades.

Other than that, no bites. And that's fine. My councillor said that if using those sites feels like a chore then I should stop using them, and it felt like a chore so I stopped.

There's been quite a few common questions in my DMs so I'll respond to them here.

Q: How are you holding up?
A: I'm doing great, all things considered. I have dark thoughts from time to time but I've no intention to act on them. My councillor is a massive help, he's taught me a lot of coping mechanisms and has helped boost my confidence from non-existent to probably a bit above average.

Q: Hey, did you know your story was shared on YouTube/TikTok?
A: Sort of. I've seen the videos you've linked to me, which was the same TikTok video, but not the ones on YouTube or any other platforms it may have been shared to. I'm surprised it's gotten this big tbh lol. But I'm aware now because you've told me.

Q: Have you spoken with your ex at all since the wedding?
A: Only when I've been to my cousin's house to visit with my mum, which is infrequent. I don't speak to either of them much, my mum just insists I visit him since he's paying for my therapy. I think she's trying to somehow repair our relationships but once I'm well enough to not need therapy anymore I'm going to go no contact with all of them and move to a different city.

Q: (continued from the previous question) if you do speak to your ex and/or cousin, what do they say?
A: anything that isn't related to the wedding or fucking each other in my bed. They do everything in their power to avoid talking about anything even tangentially related to those things.

If you have additional questions, feel free to ask them in the comments. I'll try to answer them if I see them


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 13h ago Silver Wholesome Helpful

CONCLUDED AITA if I refuse to "de-baptise" my aunt?

4.3k Upvotes

Reminder that I am not OP, this is a repost. Originally posted in r/AmItheAsshole by u/Vibing_Jellybean.

———

Original

My parents believe in the freedom of choosing one's own religion. My mother was raised catholic, while my father believes in a god without participating in any church. I (14) honestly do not care too much about the topic. To the dismay of my aunt. During my childhood, she constantly tried to pressure my mother into getting me baptized. Whenever I visited them, she would try to push Christianity on me (she would read the bible to me and take me to her church - among other things). This made me very uncomfortable to the point where I did not want to visit anymore.

I recently developed an interest in herbs and plants. This somehow convinced her, that I practice witchery. Now she constantly switches between trying to "save" me and making a point of avoiding me. Most of the family thinks her silly - but like always, when she is acting crazy, everyone just accepts it. Since I did not budge, she focused on my brother (5).

He is friends with my cousin (6) and therefore spends a lot of time at their house. On his latest visit, my aunt decided to make an appointment with a priest, forge my mother's signature, and get my brother baptized.

After my brother told my mother about the incident (which my aunt told him not to do), she confronted my aunt on her next visit. My aunt proudly confessed to having "saved" my brother and a screaming match ensued. As I already mentioned, my parents strongly believe, that everyone should be able to choose their own beliefs and not join a church until one is old enough to make an informed decision.

To summarize my aunt's words: she could not believe that our mother was wilfully condemning us to hell and that it was no wonder I had become a satanic witch. She HAD TO act because my mother obviously couldn't be brought to her senses and someone had to save the boy.

In a moment of anger, I went to my room to get one of my pots (I have one pot in the shape of a skull) and filled it with water. While they were still screaming at each other, I poured the water over her. Then I declared her to be now baptized a witch and the lawful wife of Satan. I will be honest, I enjoyed the expressions of shock and then panic on her face. She told me to undo what I did. I refused.

Once she realized, she could not convince me, she stormed out of the house. Now, she told the whole family about it and my grandparents and other relatives have been bombarding my mother with hateful messages. My mother says she understands why I did what I did, but that I need to "undo" it to keep the peace. I am supposed to make a show of "de-baptizing" her and declaring her Christian again.I am just tired of everybody constantly talking about religions and fed up with my aunt and everybody's endurance of her. If she can just go around and baptize my brother, why can't I do the same to her?

AITA if I do not comply with my parent's wishes?

Update (From an edit in the same post)

First of all: thank you for all the helpful replies and the awards. This got way more attention than I would have thought. I wanted to give an update to the whole thing:

Apparently, neither the baptism of my brother, nor the priest itself were legitimate. The dude is not even registered as a priest and is just someone she found online. He, with my aunt, and my grandmother held a small unofficial ceremony. My grandmother confessed this to my grandfather once the drama started and he now told my mother. The whole thing is rather weird and my grandfather told my mother to report the “priest”, but my mother just wants to leave the whole story behind us. Since his baptism does not have any real effect on my brother, she sees this as an easy solution to get her sister of her back. We are just happy my brother is not actually baptized. Also, good news is, my mother no longer wants me to “de-baptize” my aunt and finally accepted that she is simply crazy. She will try to talk with my grandmother tomorrow, since she is not as crazy as my aunt and can hopefully convince her of leaving me alone. According to my grandfather, my aunt told the story of me baptizing her very different, which is why my relatives were on her side.

Despite all the hilarious suggestions on how I could continue to scare my aunt, I will not do anything like that. I will just wait and see how things go from here

———

Reminder that I am not OP, this is a repost. I found this entirely too hilarious not to share. Marked as concluded since things seem about as resolved as they can be with something like this.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 16h ago Silver

NEW UPDATE [NEW UPDATE] I am leaving my wife tomorrow and I couldn’t be happier: one month in

5.2k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post and first update by u/throwawaydoc9817 in r/TrueOffMyChest

LINK to my first post of OP’s original post and his first update (https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vu5bad/i_am_leaving_my_wife_tomorrow_and_i_couldnt_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

Second update (posted on OP’s profile 27 days ago):

LINK (https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawaydoc9817/comments/w1xjh1/i_am_leaving_my_wife_tomorrow_and_i_couldnt_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

So it’s been over a week since I asked the the divorce and things are slowly progressing.

My wife and I sat down yesterday to discuss the next few months. She is still extremely in denial about my leaving and seems to be convinced that if she offers me the right thing or says the right words, I will come back. I won’t. I don’t love her anymore, I don’t feel any loyalty toward her, and the divorce is just a legal formality for how I am already feeling: which is that she is not my wife.

She has gotten representation and my attorney is preparing to offer a generous settlement (more than she is entitled to) if she signs quickly and we can start moving forward. I’m almost positive she will reject it in the hopes of keeping this going long enough for me to back down, however yesterday I more or less said “I’m not changing my mind. Let’s not waste money on the lawyers because you think I will.” But I don’t think she really heard me. I’m readying myself for a fight.

I know a lot of people were curious about the barista and I actually have a small update on that front as well. Two days ago I managed to work the divorce into conversation with her and she was surprised but seemed happy for me. She is a ceramic artist and invited me to a fundraising event her studio is throwing for our city’s community pantry, and I’m going. So we’ll see what happens.

Thanks for all the support, everyone. I’m feeling extremely optimistic about my life and while the divorce is sure to suck, I still wake up every day happy and excited for my day. I haven’t felt like that in years.

Latest update (posted on OOP’s profile 1 day ago):

LINK (https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawaydoc9817/comments/wniek3/i_am_leaving_my_wife_tomorrow_and_i_couldnt_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

So thanks to everyone who’s checked up on me. It’s been a wild few weeks and now that everything has settled down, I thought I would post an update for those still interested.

First off, I did go on a date with the Barista. She’s a wonderful person and I like her a lot, but I didn’t feel any particular connection or interest in pursuing it. We’re still friendly, so no hard feelings.

My wife has been extremely upset by the whole thing. I don’t think I saw her display this much emotion in our entire marriage. She’s been apologizing for her part in our marriage’s failure and trying to work it out. She claims to be willing to go to therapy and says she knows the spending for out of hand. The last time we spoke, I told her it wasn’t the spending, it was the fact that she didn’t give a damn about my feelings, my opinions, my desires. I brought up how we talked for years about having children then she put it off and put it off until she finally admitted she didn’t want them. It feels like our entire relationship was built on a shotty foundation.

It’s over. My position hasn’t changed. I’m pushing forward with divorce proceedings and I’m hoping to be done with this by the end of the year.

I actually got on a dating app and I have a few matches. I’ve decided that I’d still very much like to have kids but at this stage in my life, step-kids are more probable, which is fine with me. I just really want an actual family and people to care about again.

I’m trying to put myself out there more. Going places, doing new things, meeting new people. My apartment is absolutely fantastic and I’m loving it. I’m the oldest person living in it by about 15 years and my neighbors are all 20-somethings who call me “Doc”.

I’m happy to be alive. The divorce it shit but it’s not weighing me down. No regrets.

Reminder that I'm not OP, do not follow me. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 59m ago

CONCLUDED A Girls Stepsister Breaks Her Expensive Calligraphy Brush & Refuses To Pay For It (AITA August 2, '22)

Upvotes

Originally posted by u/Unable_Book_1010 in r/AmItheAsshole August 1, '22, Updated on August 2, '22

AITA for threatening to take legal action against my ex-wife's stepdaughter if she doesn't pay for the gift she broke?

Original post

I (M38) have been separated from my ex-wife for almost 14 years. She’s married now and has 2 step-daughters, this one involved the older one, “Ana” (17 I think).

Our older daughter “Diane” (F16) is really into calligraphy. My parents gave her a fude (Japanese calligraphy brush) as a gift for having a great school year.

We came back from a trip and left them with her mother. I was just getting home when my youngest called me to return.

Once there, they were having an argument and my ex-wife and her wife were trying to mediate. Diane said that Ana stole her brush and broke it. Ana says she took it with permission from Diane (not true, we checked) and she accepted breaking it, but replace it with another one (a cheap one).

My ex-wife and her wife claimed that it was not big deal and Ana replaced it. I disagree and told them that either Ana or them have to order a new one or give the money for us to do it. They were willing to do it until Diane told them how much it would cost ($3000).

That’s when they flipped the lid and said why I’m buying something that expensive. I told them it’s none of their business or the point. Besides, it was a gift from my parents not mine.

They refused and said they can’t do it without taking a hit in their finances. I told them that I don’t care and they need to pay for it or I would take legal action against Ana since she admitted to taking it and breaking it; I told them to be quick because the brushes are limited.

Our daughters decided to come with me and took their important things with them. My ex-wife, her parents, and her wife are blasting my phone saying I would ruin Ana’s future and that I’m putting our daughters against them and ruin their relationship.

We’ve been co-parenting really well, but I don’t know, I think I’m being reasonable, she’s not a kid anymore.

OP says in a comment that it is a Hata Bunshindou calligraphy fude. They are gorgeous brushes that run from $50 to $6,000.

Update the next day

I never thought this would get so much attention. I’m still going through the comments but I'm going to clarify a few points and give you an update.

Why Diane brought the brush to her mother’s? She has a neighbor friend whose hobby is painting. Diane’s friend has a nice brush collection; she took it to show it to her.

Why did she leave the brush at her mother's? She stays a week with her mother. She has left other valuable things, either sentimental or monetary and nothing has happened, until now.

Why I allowed her to move it around? It has to do with how my parents raised me. You are the one in charge of your stuff, no one else. You're the one who puts the value in them. That's why I have always let my daughters to do as they want with their things; the same way my parents taught my siblings and I. She understands this kind of brush is not something to just play with; she agrees that she was careless as she wasn’t planning to use it but to start her own collection; the same way her friend and I do. I can’t blame her though; she was comfortable with them and there was no precedent.

The relationship with their stepfamily: they’re not close but they’re civil. They never clicked but they agreed to respect each other and their things.

How we find out Ana lied? Simple, when she said she got permission via text, I asked her to show us; my ex and her mother asked for her phone, she could have lied but folded. She said she took it and broke it, but didn’t say why.

The price: my ex knew the price but not her wife; both knew it was a gift from my parents. My ex-wife decided to play dumb because she didn’t tell her wife about the price.

For the doubters, I understand because not many are interested in handwriting or calligraphy; brushes and pens can cost hundreds or even thousands because they are made with limited or rare materials by a craftsman with decades of experience. It is an art in itself; you can google it if you can/want.

The brush: I need to talk to my parents if they still have the receipt so I can contact the manufacturers and see what can be done. My hopes are slim to none, to say the brush is broken is to put it mildly, it has basically to be remade.

What transpire yesterday.

We returned home and we talked after they calm down. I asked them if I was missing something or if something changed, etc. They said everything was pretty much the same, but Diane and Lily said that they might know the reason why Ana did it.

During the week they stayed with her mother, Ana said to all of them that her bf birthday was coming up and she wanted to gift him something especial. She asked my youngest (let’s call her Lily) with everyone present, if she could play the guitar while she sang a song to him and Lily refused; Lily says that Ana took it well and didn’t make a big deal. Then, 2 days before I picked them up, Ana asked Diane if she could make a big poster and Diane refused, but unlike Lily, she offered her to do something small; Diane says that Ana declined her offer and didn’t make a big deal. Why they refused? The bf’s birthday was when they were going to be on a trip with me (last week) and both told Ana about it.

I asked them if they knew about the finances of her mother. They said she’s still working, also her wife and definitely not struggling. That’s why both of them are mad at her mother because she or her wife could have paid for the brush, they don’t understand why she acted like that.

Knowing this, I asked her what she wanted to do, she listened to my threat and I told her I mean it. I was going to buy the brush and force them to pay me back. She asked me to wait and see what they do in the next days.

What happened today.

I received 2 calls early in the morning, one from ex-wife and the other from Ana’s father asking to meet.

The father came first. He said his youngest daughter call him and told him what happened. Him and I talked for a little bit and by the look of it, there are bigger issues. The man apologized to Diane for Ana’s behavior and paid for the brush.

The rest came after.

Ana apologized first and said why she did it. She took the brush instead of another out of revenge, she tried to use it to do the poster for her bf and because she is not as good as her, she destroyed it in a fit of rage. Once calm, she saw her “mistake” and looked for another one online, she saw how much it cost and decided to buy a cheap one. She never told anyone what she did until Diane returned. Ana’s mother apologized to Diane and also Lily. They both left after that.

My exwife remained. She apologized to Diane and Lily and said she acted the way she did because this could kill the little to none relationship they have as “sisters” but the result was worse and she regrets it. Diane and Lily told her that everything could be fine if they paid for the brush and apologized right then and there, she could have ended with one upset daughter, she now has 3. They said that now they don’t feel secure there and have no plans to return. My ex-wife said she was going to do anything to solve it and proposed family therapy again, but both of them refused. They said that they could meet somewhere else but at least not for now.

They left us alone; we talk mostly about logistics and a few things I wanted to confirm.

Lastly, I talked with my daughters again and both still are pretty upset. The relationship with her mother took a major hit and they’re are not happy with how it was resolved and neither do I, alas. We’re going to see my parents in the upcoming days; Diane wants to talk with them about the money before buying another brush.

Thank you for taking your time, I tried to cover as much as I could but I will try to answer if you have questions.

I have flaired this concluded as the brush has been paid for and the mom acknowledged she messed up. They clearly have things to work through as a family but the original issue has been wrapped up.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 17h ago

CONCLUDED OOP wonders if she's the AH for not wanting to take just one of her kids on holiday

3.8k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post and update by u/Creative-Push-5597 in r/amitheasshole


Original (posted 5 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wjxsyx/aita_if_i_dont_take_just_one_of_my_children_on/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

AITA if I don't take just one of my children on holiday with me?

Hear me out first please!!! I have a young daughter (10) who had a brain trauma condition from being hurt in the womb. She is HARD work. She screams, demands her own way and steals like nothing you've ever seen before. Since the schools broke up for the summer She has been off the charts with her behaviour. I understand for the most part She can't help it but some she most definitely can. She's very clever and her lies to cover her butt are prize worthy. Now back to the AITA, we have 3 days away booked in a pod that my other 4 children are so so excited over. There's going to be fire building, games, snacks galore but I just know my daughter will ruin it. She will break the toys, eat all the "good" snacks. Won't let them sleep and steal their electronics. This morning I got up and found She had been up in the night and taken all the pre bought sweets and marshmallows. In frustration I told her if this is how she's going to be then she won't be able to come away with us as its not fair on everyone else. She didn't care, her brain doesn't work like that, she just got mad I caught her. On reflection I thought of course I would never exclude her like that....... but could I? The thought of a trip with just the other four for two nights, giving them all the attention and being able to really spoil them sounds like heaven.

So would I be the AH?

ETA she would be with a family member being spoiled and having fun. Not hidden away home alone 2nd ETA yes she has been having therapy - it makes no difference but she gets it term time at school

3rd ETA I am in the UK. Not the USA


Update (posted a few minutes ago):

(A/N- The update was posted separately but taken down by the mods, so OOP has since updated her original post to include it)

UPDATE AITA if I don't take just one of my kids on holiday?

Some people asked for an update on the post. I'm not sure how to do it properly. Basically I have a child with a brain injury who is very hard work and out of frustration I said if they didn't behave they couldn't come. Came here to ask people's opinion on if its ever ok to leave one child at home.

Firstly to all who said NTA I wish wish wish I had listened to you thank you for all your kind words

Now the update: we decided to take her, some of the AH comments made me feel like a terrible parent for even considering it. Night one, she escaped the tent and we found her trying to get into another person's stuff next door - luckily they were wonderful neighbours. Day 2 she screamed in the swimming pool over a pair of goggles so badly hubby took her out. Later on she runs off from the park - thankfully we seen her. Night two she refuses to settle in her bed so hubby sleeps outside the tent and catches her trying to escape again at 3am Day three she is tired and grumpy, shouting at everyone and refusing to eat food. So I've brought her home. Hubby and the other kids have stayed and will have a wonderful last afternoon and night. I wish I was with them but she's too wound up now to give her to nannie (as was the original.option)

So thanks guys you were mostly right and I wish I'd listened x


Reminder I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Wholesome Helpful

CONCLUDED My girlfriend left me for putting the Christmas tree up

14.7k Upvotes

TW: Death/Loss

Originally posted by u/Christmasinjulythrow in r/offmychest on July 10, 2022, update August 13,2022

My girlfriend left me for putting the Christmas tree up - July 10, 2022

I was singlehandedly raised by my grandfather. He is like a father to me. He did his best to give me a normal childhood in an effort to try make up for my father not being there. My grandfather loves Christmas. He always made sure that we had the best day ever.

We weren't well off and most of his gifts were handmade. This made it even more special because he was very good at creating things from wood and they were fascinating. He taught me everything I know and I am so grateful for that. We would bake cookies and make a delicious dinner from scratch and sit by the fire doing puzzles.

We still live together and I am the one taking care of him now. My girlfriend stays with us and it has been a year of that now. My grandfather has been unwell for a while and he is only getting worse. The doctor does not think that he will make it until the end of this year.

I am very devastated and I feel like my whole world is falling apart but I am trying to not show it. On a particularly bad day for him this, my grandfather asked me 'is it Christmas yet'? and when I said no he continued to tell me how he can't wait for it and how he will make me a bookshelf for all my books. He hasn't been able to make anything in years because of his athritis.

This conversation broke my heart and on a whim, I decided that we will have a Christmas in July. This did not go down well with my girlfriend. She kept saying it was a waste of time and that it's weird to want to act like it's Christmas when it's not. When I insisted and put up the tree and decorations inside the house, she called me crazy and threatened to leave.

She said my grandfather is not a child and even kids can wait until Christmas. I told her that this Monday when I finally get a day off, it's Christmas whether she likes it or not. She could either choose to be a part of it or she could do what she thinks is best for her but I would love her support. Well when I came back from work, she was gone and so were her clothes.

As for my grandfather and I, we have already started watching Christmas movies when I come back from work if he isn't in bed yet. I can't even begin to explain just how much he loves it. I will get us silly matching pyjamas and try get some of his favorite things, wrap them up and put them under the tree. I will also make us a nice Christmas lunch and hopefully light up the fireplace if it's not too hot which is so unlikely.

Maybe I am going crazy but I just want to do this for us even if it seems stupid. Merry Christmas!

————————

My girlfriend left me for putting the Christmas tree up. (Update) - August 13, 2022

When I wrote my original post I was going through a lot of emotions. I felt a bit insane for insisting on having a Christmas in the middle of the year just to make my grandfather happy. I was glad when a lot of people validated my feelings on the post. The encouragement uplifted my spirit.

Sadly my grandfather died from sudden cardiac arrest a few days ago. I know that he did not have long to live but I did not think that it would be so soon. In a manner that my heart was not prepared for. I have been trying to keep myself busy with everything but last night in bed I cracked and cried for the first time in a long time.

The only thing that makes me feel a bit better is remembering how happy he was on 'christmas morning'. I will never forget the look on his face and his over all demeanor. He had so much life in him. And to my surprise he smiled mischievously, took off his wedding band and gifted it to me as a Christmas present. I do not remember ever seeing him take it off before in my whole entire life.

It was a sobering moment but it was also a memory that I will forever hold close to my heart. It meant the absolute world to me. We had such a great day, I did not want it to end. Now it's like my whole entire world came crashing down. I feel so alone. I do however appreciate that I was lucky enough to have had him in my life.

Relevant comment by OP regarding ex:

Thank you. We spoke on text and she said she needed space. It was probably for the best. I told her about my grandfather and but she hasn't replied yet

Reminder I am not original OP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

CONCLUDED OP Asks If She's The A-hole For Being Disappointed With Cheap Gift From Her Wealthy Boyfriend (AITA Aug 6, '22)

16.9k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/aita-bfwiwowoeoe in r/AmItheAsshole on Aug 6, '22. This is a quick one for you with an ending I definitely didn't have anticipate!

Original Post

AITA for being upset that wealthy boyfriend got me a cheap gift?

My (21F) boyfriend (21M) comes from a wealthy family, and I am from a middle class family. His family went on a cruise, and all the siblings and their s/o’s came along. I was happy to be there and very grateful that his parents invited me.

At one point, everyone was sitting down together and my boyfriend started bringing out gifts. His parents and siblings and their s/o’s got things like watches, dresses, fine wines, and other clearly expensive things. When he got to me, he gave me one of those plastic bracelets with their company name on it. You can get those at the company’s main headquarters for free.

I was a little taken aback and a little embarrassed but didn’t want to be rude. Everyone was kind of looking at me in a way that they were both amused and also pitiful. I didn’t want to complain so I said thanks and moved on. When we got inside, I asked my boyfriend what that was about and he told me to be grateful and stop complaining because he always gets me nice gifts, which is true. I just stopped pushing it because I felt like I was being selfish there and he did have a point.

I feel like what he did was very degrading. He could’ve gotten me no gift at all and that would’ve been less humiliating. I feel like trash for feeling this way, but he’s always been mindful and I don’t understand why he did that. It made me feel cheap in front of everyone.

Idk, AITA for feeling this way and even bringing it up?

EDIT: To address some of the commonly asked questions,

Me and my boy have been dating for 2 years. His family and I get along very well. His parents paid for the cruise for everyone.

EDIT #2: So, someone pointed out that it’s actually called a yacht and not a cruise. It’s his family’s yacht and his parents paid for us meaning they paid for the chefs, butlers, plane tickets to come out to that place. I didn’t know there was a difference. Minor detail, but yeah.

Verdict: Not The Asshole

UPDATE added as an edit

Hey everyone!

Thanks for all your comments and theories. Some of them made me cry, some of them made me laugh, and some of them made me angry and confused. All of them helped me gain confidence to talk to my boyfriend about the situation.

I straight up asked him about what went though his mind when he did that. I told him I’ve been thinking about it ever since we came back from the trip. Why was he even giving our gifts? Why did he give me that? Why did he think it was okay?

Actually, no one on here guessed it right! Neither did I!

He was giving out gifts because he wanted to give me a big gift, and I was supposed to be the last one. He actually had managed to set up a day with me and this adorable cat I follow on TikTok. The owner lives close near the harbor where we’d be stopping, and I’ve loved this cat since 2020 when we first started dating. I still stalk the page regularly!

But the owner had backed out last minute, even after charging a shit ton. We were supposed to meet soon, but now he didn’t have a gift for me and basically got scammed. He said what he did was stupid and he just took a bracelet out last minute to save face… but he realizes now it was stupid lol. As for his comment, he apologized and said he has no excuse. He said he was more angry with himself and the cat owner and took it out on me. I understood and forgave him because it was out of character and I know he just wanted to do something nice for me.

Alls well it ends well guys 😂 We’re moving past this! Sucks that I can’t meet that little kitty, but this is a story I’ll always remember.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

ONGOING My(m25) girlfriend(f24) told off a manager who praised her in a huddle and might've put her job in jeopardy

3.4k Upvotes

I am not the OP; that would happen to be u/throwramaterial2

My(m25) girlfriend(f24) told off a manager who praised her in a huddle and might've put her job in jeopardy

She (Amy) works an office job and spends most of her day on the phone. We've also known each other going back to college and have been together for a few years. I'll(m25) be the first to admit I don't know how she is at work. It's not customer facing, but she started as an intern. However, after what happened, she's been really down and regretful of what she said, and she called out for the second straight day which is why I'm writing this. She vents about work often, and I often do the same. She doesn't like huddles and says she finds excuses to miss them such as hiding in the bathroom or timing her breaks around them. She doesn't like the huddles because she says it's "fake enthusiasm" and that she "doesn't go to work to make friends"

She was recently acknowledged for her performance during a huddle, and it caused her to have a meltdown. She said she threw her ID tag (didn't hit anyone) and yelled at the manager acknowledging her in front of everyone and called him an "attention wh___" who "rewarded people because he liked to be heard". She also left the huddle and went to her car, and she didn't go back inside. She said she figured the day was almost over, but she was really emotional when she came home and said she "messed up everything". She was being considered for a promotion to supervisor, and she was afraid of potentially being written up too

I've lurked on this subreddit enough to know that people ask if there was any prior hints to the behavior, and there was one a few years back. She was with her girlfriends (from college) who took her out a few days before her birthday and surprised her with a cake where the waiters/waitresses sung, but she ran off and left abruptly. I wasn't there, but she told me after it happened. So I knew that she preferred to celebrate her birthday alone, and by alone I mean the two of us with a cake in our apartment. We've done that for years, and her parents know it too. She apologized to her friends and they forgave her, said they felt bad and didn't know. But with the huddle/callout situation, I suggested looking deeper into why she avoided huddles and that a professional might be able to help (along with telling her that it was really wrong to call him an "attention wh___"). I also suggested calling her boss and apologizing on the phone before heading in. She said she wants to try therapy, but keeps saying that she "ruined her career" and is scared about calling her boss tomorrow morning. I want to ask if there's anything else I can do/suggest to help her before tomorrow morning because she's anxious and wants to fix things but has been bedridden for most of the past two days

(Update) Girlfriend(f24) told off a manager who praised her in a huddle and might've put her job in jeopardy

When I wrote my first post, my girlfriend had already called out of work for two days and was bedridden for most of the first. She kept berating herself for how she "ruined things" and barely ate, and I wrote my first post on the second day she called out. We talked and she said she'd be open to therapy, and as of writing this, she still is. She kept saying how she ruined her career job due to her anxiety over those two days, and I believe that therapy could help uncover where it came from (perhaps even from an earlier point in her life). I asked for advice on how to handle her predicament. She wanted to fix things but was anxious about going in. Someone suggested writing an email to her boss apologizing on that same night before she'd go in the next morning, and someone also recommended calling on the morning she went in too. We opted for an email and sent it on the same night (the second day she called out), and we wrote an apology along with detailing how she was seeking professional help as someone suggested too. However, she told me something she hid as we were doing this, and that was how she ignored two calls on the first day she called out

We sent the email anyway, but I told her that I didn't appreciate her hiding that and that she'd be lucky to still have a job. According to her, they didn't call her on the second day. We called on the morning she wanted to go in in hopes of arranging a meeting with her boss, but he informed her that she no-call-no-showed on the second day and that they wanted her to come in to clear out her things. I didn't see her call out because I had work in the morning myself, and that is on me for not being on top of it. But it doesn't change the fact that she lied, and she said it was because her "anxiety was still really bad". She wanted me to drive with her to get her things, and I took an off day ahead of time because I knew that she'd potentially be going in either way. I couldn't come inside to gather her things because that wasn't allowed, but I stayed in the car which was the most I could do

When we talked again, I told her that we needed to look into therapy immediately and that we needed to discuss next month's rent. She said she had enough but probably not for the following month. I also told her that I would be meeting with my parents to discuss what happened along with probably my own therapist because this changed a few things. We were talking about proposing; she was on the verge of a promotion too potentially... but from the lying and loss of this job that affects our home search, I told her I need time. I will be seeing my parents tomorrow who have also reached out to our financial advisor/family friend, and I'll probably look into therapy from there. I told her that we'll talk when I get back, but so far she's paid for an individual session from Betterhelp with their unemployed financial aid because she lost her benefits, and it's about $60 a week (one call per week). Her first session is scheduled for a few days from now. But for money for future weeks, we're going to talk about that too


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Helpful (Pro) Gold Silver Wholesome Take My Energy Helpful Take My Power All-Seeing Upvote

ONGOING Matt Gaetz, who is under Federal investigation for statutory rape and sex trafficking of a minor, will be speaking at a high school near OOP next week, OOP is doing their best to stop this from happening, and reddit is helping.

51.5k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post from r/TwoXChromosomes by u/TipsyRussell

Trigger Warnings: past and potential child sexual abuse, statutory rape, sex trafficking of a minor

Matt Gaetz will be speaking at a high school near me next week. Below is the email that I sent the superintendent. All I have are my vote and my voice, it's past time I start utilizing both.

OOP (Aug 10), update 1 (Aug 11), update 2 (Aug 13)

Good evening,

I would like to voice my concern about the upcoming "Academy Night" at Niceville High School. As I understand it, this is an informational meeting where students interested in the service academies can meet with Matt Gaetz. I understand that in order to apply for service academies, students need a nomination from their representative, senator, or the vice president. The students NEED his endorsement, and there is nothing that your office can do about that, which again, I fully understand.

Matt Gaetz is under federal investigation for having sex with a 17 year old girl (the news keeps calling this sex with a minor. In Florida, the age of consent is 18, so this isn't just "sex with a minor". That's rape.) and paying for her to travel across state lines, violating sex-trafficking laws.

It is absolutely vile that the school system would invite someone currently under investigation for rape and sex-trafficking into the school to speak to 17 year old girls and put them in a position where they have to ask him for a favor. This investigation has been ongoing for a long time, so the county has had plenty of time to come up with an alternative to allowing him to speak at the school. Any information he needs to give out can easily be done via email, or even a Zoom call with interested students and their parents.

It seems to me that the school system should not allow someone under investigation for sex with minors anywhere near a school, if for no other reason than out of an abundance of caution. Instead, however, you are quite literally giving him access to potential new victims, and directing them to ask him for something. I would think that the safety of students would be a top priority for Okaloosa County, but this decision leads me to believe otherwise. If a teacher is under federal investigation for sex with a student, does that teacher stay in the classroom teaching while the investigation is ongoing? I’m fairly certain I know the answer.

Thank you for taking these concerns into consideration.

Update 1:

Update - I sent the email to the superintendent and the school board. The only response I’ve gotten is from one school board member. All she said was that she’d follow up. Several people have been sending emails, and other people have been getting responses. This is what one woman posted about it on Facebook: The superintendent called me after he received my email. He said that Gaetz does this event every year. It looks like it will continue to be held at Niceville High, with Gaetz as the presenter. Chambers told me that he spoke with Gaetz and was reassured that no agenda would be pushed, and there would be no speech, he would simply be handing out the assignments to students.”

Again, this is not a response that I personally got, just one that I heard about.

This is not an acceptable response. Gaetz speaking to the students individually is worse than him giving a speech. At least with a speech, everyone can hear what is being said. Instead, he'll be interacting with the students one on one. Also, just because Gaetz has always done the event doesn’t mean that it can’t and shouldn’t be changed. I’ll be sending a follow-up email tonight. I'm going to suggest that if the superintendent refuses to cancel, at the least, he can require parents' attendance.

I encourage anyone that feels compelled to send an email as well to do so. I’m not going to post contact info, but it’s easily accessible on the Okaloosa County School District site.

Finally, I'd like to thank everybody for the amazing comments and messages and awards. I was so nervous to post that, and everybody was just so encouraging, so thank you again, so so so much. It has done a lot to encourage me to keep going.

Update 2:

I wrote a follow-up email this morning and sent it to the superintendent and copied the school board. I included a link the first post, and let them know that it had gotten almost 3 million views, and the overwhelming majority of the comments agreed with me. I suggested that they take a look at some of your comments and realize that this is a serious issue. Then I asked what the county’s protocol is if a teacher is under investigation for having sex with a student – is that teacher allowed to remain in the classroom? I also asked at what point does the school/county become liable if Gaetz meets his next “girlfriend” at an event like this, and the county did nothing to prevent it? I mentioned that I had not heard from anyone, but that I was aware that Mr. Chambers (the superintendent) had been responding to others, and that the gist of his response seems to be shrugging the whole thing off. I ended with “I don't have a child in the school system, but I am a taxpayer and a voter. I've been in contact with a reporter from Newsweek, and I have no intention of dropping this.”

A few hours later, I got a call from the superintendent. I’m not gonna lie, this is so far out of my wheelhouse. I was so nervous. I knew I would be posting an update, so I wanted to record the conversation just to make sure I accurately quoted him. I asked if I could record the call, and he said he’d rather not, that he just wanted to have a conversation. I assume it was for the same reason that he’s responding to emails with phone calls in the first place – to not have a record of what he has said. He gave me the same spiel he’s giving everybody else. It’s not his event, he’ll be there, most of the parents will be in attendance, blah blah blah. I let him know that it’s at a school, so ultimately it IS his event. He did agree with that. He started by saying that it’s an investigation and there were no charges or arrests. I asked if they would wait for charges to be filed and an arrest to be made if it were a teacher. Would that teacher still be in the classroom? He said no, they would be put on administrative leave. I asked what the difference was and he paused and said “you would win that argument” but didn’t go any further. I wish I would have pushed him more on that.

He did try to tell me that that he wasn't going to be pushing a political agenda. I shut that down and said that that was not the issue. The issue is putting teenagers in front of a known predator.

I asked about what the school’s liability would be if it turned out Gaetz was guilty and he had been using these events to meet high school girls. He said he didn’t think that would happen, which leads me to believe he doesn’t believe the allegations. When we had discussed the process for what happens when a teacher is suspected of having sex with a student, he had said the sheriff’s office would conduct an investigation. I reminded him that it’s not the school or the county or the sheriff’s office that’s investigating Matt Gaetz, that it’s the federal government, and that it's real and it’s serious. I also pointed out that Gaetz’s cohort has already pled guilty and is awaiting sentencing, which has been delayed because he’s fully cooperating in the investigation into Gaetz

He said that the event was an important opportunity for the students. I agreed, and said that getting the chance to get facetime with their congressman is a huge opportunity for students, but that their safety was more important. I suggested that if he wouldn’t cancel, then the least he could do would be to require parents’ attendance. He said that wasn’t something he considered. I’m sure he’s still not considering it, but at least it is hopefully planting ideas in his head that this is ultimately his responsibility, and there ARE options. I also suggested permission slips or waivers. At least make them acknowledge that he’s a creep (allegedly).

The superintendent said that he IS getting a bunch of calls and emails, including a call from the New York Times, so that’s exciting. Hopefully if we just keep it up, they school district will come to their senses. As one commenter said “god, the bar is just so low”. We’re not asking for much, just that you don’t serve up teenage girls to an accused pedophile on a platter.

Anyway, I will say I’m proud of myself for standing my ground and not letting the superintendent shirk responsibility. He kept saying it wasn’t the school’s event, so I kept pointing out that it didn’t matter whose event it was, it’s happening at the school, and he is in charge of the schools. I was relatively articulate and stood my ground, so that felt good.

At this point, I’m in too deep to just drop it. I think I actually told him that too, now that I think about it. So I’m trying to get this all out there as much as I can. All but one of the board members are up for re-election on August 23rd. I haven’t heard from any of them except for one email from one of them that she would follow up, and then nothing. So I sent my post to all their opponents in the election and told them that it might be a good opportunity to blast the incumbent for inaction. I feel like there’s definitely traction, and a tiny possibility that MAYBE we can get something changed.

This has been a really weird couple of days. It’s been incredibly nerve-wracking, but also, it feels incredible! I highly recommend everybody tries getting involved. Everybody’s comments and messages have really been so encouraging so thank you all for that.

The superintendent is getting your calls and emails, so please keep it up, ESPECIALLY if there is anybody in here that lives in Okaloosa County! Academy Night is scheduled for Tuesday, so we have until then to get it canceled. Thanks Reddit!

---------------------------------------------

Edit to add Top comment from OOP to help clear something up:

This is fantastic and very well written. Also, as a grad of a federal service academy, I never actually met with any of the Congress people to whom I applied for my service academy nomination. It is not at all necessary for them to meet him in person. Just validating your premise here.

--------------------------------------------

Reminder - I am not the original poster

E: I appreciate the awards, but please, if you're going to spend some money today, consider looking up an organisation and/or shelter that supports survivors of sex trafficking near you, or if you want to keep it more local to the post, I looked up a couple in Florida: Kristi house and Naples shelter (I did check both on Charity Navigator and they scored high, but I've had a comment saying the second has mistreated both staff and clients, so maybe not them).

Edit again: just to point out there is a comment near/at the top here that contains the relevant contact information for those involved if anyone is interested, and also this comment from OOP with link to a tweet by Matt Gaetz saying he and Marcus Chambers are friends.

Edit once more to add this link to a post the superintendent made on FB, if you're on FB and can go comment asking about this whole Gaetz situation, please do!


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Helpful

CONCLUDED OOP wonders if she's the AH for telling her ex that his lack of money is not her issue

4.3k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post and update by u/throwaway-36928 in r/amitheasshole.

(Author's Note- I don't know if this qualifies for a BORU post because the update was added in the original post itself, but since I think that it may not reach many people that way, I decided to post it here.)


Original (16 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wa9h2l/aita_for_telling_my_ex_his_lack_of_money_is_not/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

AITA for telling my ex his lack of money is not my issue?

I (36F) have a daughter Sadie (12) with my ex-husband John (39). We got divorced 5 years ago and I have primary custody while he sees her two weekends a month. Last year, he got married to Amanda who has sole custody of her kids (10&8F) from a previous marriage. Amanda is a SAHM (not for any health reasons or so on, she just doesn't want to work) while John works at a 9 to 5. He makes good money to support them, but not enough to live in luxury.

I have a much higher-paying job. Since it's just me and Sadie, I make sure she has the best possible life. She goes to a private school, set her up a college fund, and she has much better things than most kids (phone, clothes, etc). I still managed to raise her to be humble and not take things for granted, and she's one of the hardest working people I know, always making sure to get good grades and keep her room tidy.

Well, the last few times she came back after a weekend at John's, I noticed that the clothes she was bringing back in her duffel are a) not her size and b) much cheaper and poorer quality than what I usually buy for her. I asked her why that is and she told me that while she's at her dad's, Amanda takes away her nice clothes and gives them to her kids while Sadie gets the clothes they buy from Target. I asked her if she wanted them back but she said she didn't mind sharing since all her favourite clothes were kept here.

The problem came when I went to pick her up last weekend.I had a business meeting and couldn't drive her over, so Amanda offered to just pick Sadie up from school, which hadn't happened before. When I got there on Sunday, John and Amanda asked me to sit down with them and when Sadie came to hug me, Amanda sent her to her room quite harshly saying her punishment wasn't over yet. I was confused because Sadie very rarely misbehaves.

They sat me down in the kitchen and said that it was unfair for Sadie to be going to a private school while her kids go to a public one, so they'd decided that Sadie would be pulled out of private school and put in the same school as the girls. They also said I should keep up Sadie's punishment because when they told her she blew up at them, told them it wasn't fair, and yelled that Amanda and her kids weren't even her real family, that all they did was steal.

I told them in no uncertain terms to fuck off. I would not be pulling my child out of a school she likes, away from her friends, because they can't afford it. I told them they could easily make as much money as me if Amanda started working in her field because she has the qualifications and the job market is very good. I told them their money problems are not my issue, and if Sadie's items get stolen again or they try to pull her out of school, I'll be taking this to court.

They've been blowing up my phone ever since, calling me a selfish AH, and after telling the story to a friend, he told me I was rubbing my success in their face, but I still don't feel like I did anything wrong. Still, AITA?

EDIT: I got temporary guardianship while waiting for a court hearing. We're going to try to get full custody and have John get one day a week of visitation, supervised for at least the first few months, and no contact with Amanda or her kids.This way, he still sees Sadie just as much and they can try to repair their relationship, but she doesn't have to go back there. All contact between us is made through emails which are CC'ed by my lawyer, and I've asked for Sadie's things back. I've talked to Sadie and we've decided that she's going to try therapy for a little while to help deal with everything that's happened.


Update (added a day ago):

We've had the hearing and our custody arrangement's been modified. Any and all decisions relating to Sadie are made by me, and me alone. John has supervised visitation once a week, and Sadie will continue in therapy to deal with all the issues Amanda and co. have caused her.

They tried to push for 50/50 custody split on grounds of alienation (so me trying to put Sadie against her father), but we made it clear from the start that we wanted to keep Amanda and her children away, and wanted supervision only because we don't feel safe leaving him alone as of yet, but that we were open to modifications. Thanks to that, the proof of stealing, and Sadie's therapist's testimony, their claim was thrown out pretty quickly.

Amanda's pissed, and has tried to contact me and Sadie, but I made it clear to her that if she keeps harrassing me or my daughter, I'll have to make this known to the authorities. Sadie and I have blocked her everywhere, and any communication between John and us is made through text messages or emails only.

I'd like to thank you all for your support throughout all of this, it really means a lot to us. Sending you loads of love!


Notable comments:

1) Commenter- "Hi. I think as a loving mother, you know the answer deep down in your heart. NTA. And well done for protecting your daughter. Keep this mamma bear mood switched on. Out of all adults involved, you're the only one fighting your kid's corner. Your daughter really needs your support in this situation.

The only thing that I would have done differently, is I'd have taken them to court already for stolen clothes. You let it go, and now it keeps escalating because the real motive here is intense jealousy combined with laziness and questionable morality. To steal clothes instead of working? Meh, that makes me want to vomit.

These people are adults and won't change, so reasoning with them is not a viable option. I would involve child protection service, to start with, because stealing clothes and pulling your daughter out of school against her will and without consulting her mother, is abuse. Please report it or your child will get more of the same.

Also, I'm not sure if your daughter benefits from seeing her father. Even during the short time they're together, he manages to abuse her. It's another thing to discuss with child protection. I would do it without warning and any previous talks with her dad or Amanda, so that they wouldn't be able to "prepare" on how to dodge it.

What you're describing is serious, and it's time to take an action.

Good luck and please take a good care of yourself. Your lovely daughter needs your help right now."

OOP's reply- "Thank you so much for your comment! I'm really considering that, but haven't done it up until now because I didn't want to ruin Sadie's relationship with her father. As it is, she's decided she doesn't want to go back so I'm gonna take quite a lot of pleasure in getting my revenge for what they did to her."

~

2) Commenter- "ma’am, if you don’t mind me asking, what do you do for a living? also, nta."

OOP's reply- "No problem at all, I'm a corporate lawyer!"

~

3) Commenter- "NTA - And I would make the school aware that any decisions about your daughter need to go through you so he doesn't just do it behind your back"

OOP's reply- "First thing I did after dropping Sadie off at school. My kid's not losing a good opportunity because of them."

~

4) Commenter- "Best of luck to you. I'm glad your daughter won't be exposed to any more of it.

I don't know how it works where you live. Can your ex take you to court for "withholding his daughter" from him? Or she's old enough to decide for herself?"

OOP's reply- "He can take me to court if she doesn't go and she can only make choices about her living situation at 16, but I'm planning on contacting my lawyer ASAP to at least start the process of getting sole custody before her next visit, then hopefully I can keep her with me until the decision's final."

~

5) Commenter- "How is it he has any type of custody if he only sees her every other weekend? That’s typically visitation."

OOP' reply- "The weekends at her father's are court-mandated. He was originally gunning for 50-50 but I have the higher income, am closest to her school, and he travels for 4-6 days a month at least for his job. But since he didn't want to lose her completely, he pushed for there to be some kind of mandatory visit."

Commenter- "Was he trying for 50/50 to avoid child support?"

OOP's reply- "I don't know if that was his main objective, but what he said in court is that he wanted to see his daughter more often."


Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Wholesome

CONCLUDED When You're Here, You're Family - Reddit Style

4.9k Upvotes

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/RevealIll8143 in r/Assistance**

trigger warnings: none

mood spoilers: wholesome

There have been so many heavy posts lately that I thought something cute and wholesome might be a nice palate cleanser.

[**12 year old son wants Olive Garden/**](LINK) - 8/11/2022

Hello internet strangers :) my son is turning 12 tomorrow and all he has asked for is Olive Garden for him and his sisters, thanks to that relentless alfredo commercial YouTube plays every 5 seconds lol They've never been, they just built one by my house and alfredo is his fav food..... It's so much more expensive than I thought it would be tho, like almost $50 for just the 3 of them and I absolutely cannot swing it as the last few months have been unexpectedly difficult financially. I thought i could figure it out myself somehow but tomorrow is the big day and I cannot.... If anyone has an olive garden gift card or could possibly help, I would appreciate it so so much. This is embarrassing and I feel silly asking bc this isn't a "need" or whatever but I just wanna make his alfredo dreams come true and give him a good bday <3 &nbsp;

[** Olive Garden bday update <3 tysm **](LINK) - 8/12/2022

I took my birthday boy to olive garden thanks to this sub and I just want to say thank you so so much! We haven't been out to eat since before the pandemic started so this was so much fun! My son was so HYPED when we pulled in, like... He has been talking about olive garden and their alfredo commercial for literally weeks <3 He prob ate like 20 breadsticks and super loved the alfredo lol he said it was better than mine which he never says any food is better than mine bc he's sweet, so he must have rly loved it haha they even sang happy birthday and he got some kind of chocolate brownie lasagna thing for dessert lol we had hella leftover food and I had enough to get him a take home alfredofor later or tomorrow or something too and give the bad ass server a good tip since she was so sweet 🥺💖 I can't put into words how much seeing my baby boy happy means to me, y'all are THE BEST! This was such a rad birthday for him + he thought it was so cool that a bunch of strangers online wanted to help make his day special. I appreciate every single one of you so so much 💖 &nbsp;

**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

CONCLUDED OOP is dating a guy who watches male motivation influencers

8.1k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post by u/TwilightChieftess in r/relationship_advice


Original (posted 8 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wgbitp/i_f18_am_dating_a_guy_m21_that_seems_really_nice/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Last week i went on a date with a guy i met on Tinder. For our first date we went to have dinner, It went great, He was funny, dressed up really nicely, has this beautifull smile and paid for everything, after that he drove me home in his car and we arranged another date, i wanted to meet him again as soon as possible!

Four days forward and the second date is going really well as expected, but after awhile we somehow get on the topic of influencers we like to watch when he tells me that he enjoys watching people like Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, Sneako and all these other ''Male motivation influencers'' (these are the only ones i knew but he probably named more) , He also said he watches Andrew Tate content on tiktok because its ''funny'', Really? you think misogyny is funny?

My heart sunk when i heard these names and my face was visibly disgusted, He asked me if anything was wrong but i pretended everything was fine and changed the subject although for the rest of our date i had this really uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and just wanted to leave.

He seems like a great guy but im sceptical of how hes gonna act down the line if we are in a relationship while hes listening to these ''influencers'' daily

Ive arranged another date with him in 2 weeks but im confused at this point what to do.

What do you guys think i should do? am i over exaggerating or is this a bullet i should dodge.

Also im new to reddit so it might take some time for me to respond, Just trying to figure everything out oki thanks for listening :3

You might see this post on multiple subreddits, thats because i am currently really desperate for an awnser

TLDR; guy seems really cool but he watches misogynistic content


Update (posted 1 day ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wm0vrx/update_i_f18_am_dating_a_guy_m21_that_seems/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Update: I (F18) am dating a guy (M21) that seems really nice but watches ''male motivation influencers''

HEY everyone!!

My last post kinda blew up, Thanks for all the advise! unfortunately it was deleted for some reasons related to reaching the max amount of comments (idk im new to reddit).

Anyway i have decided to call him a few days ago to talk and made it very clear to him that it makes me very uncomfortable that he listens to these kinds of ''influencers'' and that he should stop watching them if he wants to have a relationship with me in the future, he then proceeded to say that this is insanity, that i am overreacting, that i am acting exactly like those women that these influencers are making fun off and that ''i should not be demanding this type of stuff this early and while bringing nothing to the table''

after that we argued for a bit and he ended the call by saying he is glad he dodged this bullet. i blocked him after that and we havent spoken since. he somehow made me feel like im the asshole in this situations but i know that what i asked of him was not anything weird or shallow, im so confused at this point. what do you guys think??!

Anyway that was my update, if you still have any questions or advise feel free to leave a comment,


Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Wholesome Helpful Silver

ONGOING OP tells his wife he'd pick the kids over her

4.7k Upvotes

Friendly Reminder, I am not the Original Poster

Posted by u/denrowa in r/TrueOffMyChest

Original - posted 3 days ago

I told my wife i would pick the kids over her any day

I've always been excited to be a father and i wanted to make sure my child has a memorable childhood so i started reading books and asking older men how they raised their kids and the mistakes they made. One of the things they told me was that they regret not spending more time with their kids. I can relate to that because my father was never really there for me before he left. So everyday since my the baby could crawl, i would play with him after work till he goes to sleep.on weekends, i would take him on a walk in his stroller and i would play the piano for him when he gets back. I was really doing my best to make him happy and i thought my wife would be happy but she wasn't. Yesterday, we had an argument and she complained about how i'm not spending time with her anymore, i told her the reason we don't go on dates and we don't travel like we used to is because the baby is our priority now and when he grows up, we'll have all the time in the world to ourselves. She then asked me to choose between her and the baby and that's when i walked out. I came back a few hours later to get some sleep after playing with the baby and that's when i replied her and said " i would pick the kids over you any time, any day". I love my wife, we were friends for almost 14 years before we got married but we are also adults now and we have responsibilities.

Wow, I'm really getting a lot of hate and insults in my DM. I'll talk to my wife later and we'll make a deal. Thanks for some of the really good advice here.

I'm 26 and not only is this my first relationship, it's also my first taste of fatherhood so i won't act like i know it all. My dad isn't here anymore so i'm working this out on my own and so far the majority of the comments are people saying they hope my wife divorces me but God is my strength and i know he won't put me to shame like he said in his word

The consensus of the responses was OP won't get to spend all his time with the baby when his wife leaves him and he gets 50/50 custody at best. Many also tell OP that he all but guaranteed that his wife will not have any more kids with him. Some gems from OP include:

I don't trust babysitters at all. I know myself and i know i won't be able to concentrate with a random person taking care of my kid

Not really, i understand why she would feel like that but it's just something she'll have to live with for the mean time

I will talk to her, if we can come up with a deal that will make her happy and my child gets what he needs then i'll take it

We won't be getting a divorce so it's unlikely

What?? It's my baby we're talking about here. She needs to wait. There's times and seasons for everything. If she decides to leave then so be it but not with the baby

We haven't had sex in months. Marriages aren't all about sex. I feel most of you here are kids

OP's post is crossposted to r/antinatalism2 titled "It's almost like all the wife was from the very beginning was a child bearing vessel." OP comments 9 times defending himself.

She can't leave me and she wont

It's not. The very essence of your being is to bear kids. That's why the lord said be fruitful and multiply

I already had the discussion with her today, it's been settled

OP goes to r/relationship_advice for help posted - 21 hours ago

My wife told me she won't have kids with me again because i'm not putting her first, how do i convince her to reconsider?

I made a post on another sub which was a bad idea so someone referred me to this one. The other post has the backstory but the summary is my wife feels like i'm spending way more time with our son than i do with her. I explained my reasons but she still insisted that i was being selfish with my time. She then gave me an ultimatum. She asked me to choose her or the kid, which was a stupid question to begin with. She stopped speaking to me for a few days then yesterday she told me she won't be having kids with me ever again and she meant it. I had an anxiety attack and i went on my knees and begged her to reconsider but it seems she's hell bent on getting tubal litigation. I cried my eyes out on the way to work and back. How on earth do i convince an angry wife not to do this? I already told her that i'll change and spend more time with her but she's ignoring me.

Reminder that I am not the original poster


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago Helpful

CONCLUDED I got a fridge lockbox and it’s destroying my relationship

20.8k Upvotes

Friendly Reminder, I am not the Original Poster

Trigger Warning: threats, abuse, possible drug use

Posted by u/throwraiwantmysnacks in r/relationship_advice

Original - posted 2 days ago

I got a fridge lockbox and it’s destroying my relationship

Some background: BF (28m) and I (25f) have been together five years, lived together 3. Our relationship was great, truly. We have a joint account we contribute to monthly to handle joint expenses: rent, groceries, etc. Everything else is split.

BF is 6’3”, 200 lbs and works out daily. He eats a lot to keep up his caloric intake, which is fine, except for this one issue.

We buy snacks and he always eats my half before I can even get to it. Normal food and ingredients he’s fine with, but if it’s quickly accessible, I’ll never get any. We argue, he apologizes, rinse and repeat. This is literally the only bad thing he’s done. Seriously, in all other aspects of our relationship, he’s respectful and considerate. Snacks are where all bets are off.

Anyways, last week I lost it after he finished an expensive cheese we had gotten that I really was looking forward to eating. It was all gone after an hour. I lost my shit. I didn’t speak to him for a day and ended up ordering a fridge lockbox. After our next snack run a couple of days later, I divided each snack in half and locked mine in the lockbox. From his reaction, you’d think I was murdering puppies. He said it was disrespectful and controlling, and how dare I keep food that he paid for from him. When I reminded him my money went into it too, he screamed that he didn’t give a fuck and then left. He slammed the door so hard a picture fell off the wall and broke. He didn’t come back until the next day, but that was to change for work and leave immediately. He came home late and went straight to the guest room.

Four days of this. I broke last night and asked him to please talk about it and he said that he had nothing to say to me until I got rid of the lockbox. Honestly, I’m completely appalled at this reaction and I’m genuinely worried he might be on drugs or having a mental break or something. This is the most irrationally I’ve ever seen a grown man react. He’s ignored me only to randomly ask if I’ve gotten rid of the lockbox. I am not getting rid of the lockbox.

We’re supposed to renew our lease next week. I’m considering cutting my losses and just leaving. Is this relationship even worth salvaging? Is there anything I can do to solve this? He is refusing to communicate unless I get rid of the lockbox which is not happening.

Update posted - two hours ago

I got a fridge lockbox and it’s destroying my relationship

Hey guys, I don’t know if anyone wanted an update, but here it is. A lot happened.

Boyfriend kept staying out late and refusing to talk. So I tried to talk to my boyfriend about the lockbox again, and I mentioned that I didn’t think the lockbox was the real issue. But he was a brick wall, insisted that it’s abusive and controlling to deny him food. I kept pushing, asking if he was on drugs or cheating. I said him flipping out over something so small and staying out at all hours was suspicious as hell. I said that I thought he was using the lockbox as an excuse to be out of the house doing something bad. Me saying that unleashed an hours-long screaming tantrum that ultimately resulted in him throwing my MacBook against the wall and shattering it. Honestly, I really thought he was going to hurt me.

So, yeah. Called my dad, who called the cops. I don’t want to get too into the legality of it, but I’m pressing charges for destruction of property. It was a $2500 laptop.

Dad and my godfather moved me out yesterday, and I’m now looking for a new place. I don’t have a lot except for clothes, and a couple of kitchen appliances. I left the lockbox, but took my snacks with me, because fuck him. I left it locked, too.

Ex-bf has been spamming me. I’d block him, but I feel like I need this for evidence in case his behavior escalates. I texted him the first night that we are done, took our photos down, everything. He began ranting at me.

Some gems:

  • raging about how I still didn’t get rid of the lockbox
  • Asking for stuff he gifted me back
  • Telling me I owe him money and rent for his new place
  • That I owe him a car(?) I have no idea why he would say this, I have never even driven his current car
  • That my MacBook was old snd worthless and he wouldn’t pay for a new one (I bought it last year brand new)

After about an hour, I guess he realized that we were actually broken up and he couldn’t bitch me down anymore. Then came the paragraphs about how he was gonna marry me, he loves me, he wants to be better for me, that I can keep the gifts and he’ll buy me a better MacBook. He freaked out over seeing I took our pictures down from SM. He then started sending me screenshots of his Google searches of engagement rings and telling me to pick one. He also sent a couple voice messages of him just sobbing.

Any respect I had for him as a person is just completely gone. I want nothing to do with this man. I don’t care if he’s having a breakdown, or on something. He’s not my problem. I screenshotted his messages and forwarded them to his mother. She can deal with her son. That’s the most I’ll ever do for him again.

As for me, I’ll be okay. I have some savings, so taking on full rent for a place as well as deposit and fees won’t be too much. This has been a weird week. I feel like I should be sad, but like I said I lost all respect and don’t feel anything but disdain for him. My parents have been buying me my favorite comfort snacks and being super supportive. They’re gently pushing for therapy, and I think it’s probably a good idea. I’ll start my search once I’m settled in a new place.

** Marking as Concluded as she is now out of this relationship. Her new life is just beginning!**


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago

CONCLUDED OOP wonders if he's the AH for giving his son's room to his injured daughter

2.6k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post and update by u/aitainjureddaughter in r/amitheasshole


Original (posted 5 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wilhoj/aita_for_giving_my_sons_room_to_my_daughter/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

AITA for giving my son's room to my daughter

My daughter, Olivia (18), is moving in with me, my wife, and our 4 sons, Jason (15), Max (12), Nathan (8), and Nolan (7). Olivia was just in an accident that left her with multiple severe injuries including a fractured skull, a severe concussion, spinal cord damage, a broken jaw, and multiple broken ribs. She will be in a wheelchair for a while and will need help with everyday tasks like changing and bathing and it's ideal that she has her own bathroom.

We have 2 offices that are being used for guest rooms but neither of them will fit a bed for Olivia and have room for her wheelchair and a cot (my wife and I are planning on taking turns sleeping in her room in case she needs anything), only one of them are downstairs, and it's only close to a half bath, so it would be hard for her to take a bath or shower.

Jason has a big room downstairs, it was the master bedroom but we renovated and added a new master bedroom for me and my wife. It has plenty of room for everything Olivia would need and there's a huge bathroom attached. We talked to all of the boys about Olivia coming to live with us when she gets out of the hospital and that we'd need to move rooms around. Nathan and Nolan are going to be sharing a room (they're pretty stoked) and Jason would move into Nolan's room. It would be painted however he'd like and he can pick out new furniture. Jason wasn't too happy about that because his new room is closer to all of his brothers and it's smaller so we compromised and now he gets Nolan's room and the downstairs office will be his game room, under the condition that there will be a futon/sleeper sofa that guests can use if the other guest room isn't available.

I thought Jason was happy, he has 2 rooms and a half bath pretty much all to himself, but he's been complaining a lot about us giving Olivia his room, especially over the past couple days when we've been making the bathroom more accessible for her.

Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm an asshole for giving Jason's room to Olivia.

Edit: go easy on Jason. 15 is a rough age.


Update (posted 13 hours ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmmmub/update_aita_for_giving_my_sons_room_to_my_daughter/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

UPDATE: AITA for giving my son's room to my daughter

This update is less about the bedroom and more about Olivia/our current situation

First of all, Olivia is finally out of the ICU! She's still in the hospital but she's doing great and we think she'll be able to come home within a week. She's already walking short distances with a walker and it looks like she will have minimal long term brain and spinal cord damage. We're almost finished working on Olivia's room so hopefully it'll be done by the time she gets home. The police also found the man that did this to her. He's in prison and we're suing for whatever we can. We're not going to let him get away with this.

As I mentioned in the comments of my other post, my wife is a nurse. She's been feeling pretty burned out lately so she's quitting her job and is going to help with Olivia (we will have a caretaker here so she'll mostly do mornings before her caretaker comes and evenings after they leave).

The boys are doing great. The younger two are still very excited about their loft beds (couldn't agree on who gets the top bunk so this way they're both top bunk) and their beds have forts and slides so they never want to leave their room. We also got them each a Nintendo Switch Lite and a couple games to thank them for being so good about sharing a room. Max's life hasn't changed much except, since the younger two play in their room and Jason has his own game room (I'll get into why we gave him that later), he usually has the family game room to himself.

I'd like to address why we gave Jason 2 rooms. When we renovated and gave everyone new rooms, Jason started working on his gaming setup. He's worked odd jobs like tutoring, mowing lawns, walking dogs, etc. to buy a nice monitor, build a computer, get the furniture he wanted, and the consoles he wanted. He paid for it almost entirely with money he earned from working, his allowance, his lunch money (he'd make his lunch and pocket the money), and birthday or Christmas money. This setup is very important to him and he doesn't let anyone, except occasionally Max, touch it. His room is also farther from his brothers so he can play with his friends after his brothers go to bed and it won't bother us or them and if his brothers wanted to play video games they'd go to the game room since it's right outside their room. Jason was worried that they'd go to his new room to play video games instead of the game room because he has newer consoles and better games and because it's also right next to their room. The other big issue was space. Jason is moving into Nolan's old room, which is less than half the size of his old room. There wasn't enough space for his bed, dresser, desk, and the gaming setup that he worked so hard to build. Giving him the small office/guest room that we rarely use solved almost every issue. He knows it's still available as a guest room if the other office upstairs is taken or we gave a guest that can't walk up the stairs.


Notable comments:

1) Commenter- "INFO: Could you please elaborate on your family make-up? Why do you refer to her as your daughter only? Do your son and daughter get along? If not, why?"

OOP's reply- "Olivia is my daughter from a previous relationship. Olivia is not very close with any of my sons. She and her mom live 22 hours away by car and she has her own life there so she doesn't visit often."

~

2) Commenter- "NTA. You've done pretty much everything you could do to make this transition easier on your boys.

The youngest ones are stoked to share a room for a while to help their big sister - they sound like super sweet little dudes. You didn't mention how Max is adjusting, probably because his room situation is unchanged. But the eldest boy is struggling. Some of this may come down to overall stress due to worry for his sister, and of course a loss of a sense of control both due to that and then having it mean his room is moved.

2 rooms (a game room with a futon which is primarily or entirely his? Lucky kid!) and the half bath is plenty. It's more than enough, in fact.

Your daughter needs the large, first floor room with the accessible bathroom - and it's fortunate that you're able to provide that. It's a little crappy for Jason who's used to the nicer room and private bath and is losing them through no fault of his own, but that does not make you an AH.

He can have feelings about this, but he's 15 and does ultimately need to accept the reality here that his sister needs this - and it's not his fault, her fault, or your fault. And he cannot make his feelings her problem.

Make sure to take some time to talk with all your kids about their feelings around their sister's accident - having a relative almost die in an accident is terrifying - and everything that's going on. Does Max resent Jason getting his own special extra game room?

But be assured that you are not an AH for needing to move Jason. It's a really crappy situation all around and there'll be some adjustment for everyone.

All the best to your lovely family and I wish a speedy recovery for your daughter."

OOP's reply - "Max does not resent Jason. Max has a good sized room that has room for his hobbies. Jason's new room is a lot smaller and he doesn't have room for his gaming set up (that he mostly paid for himself) and he doesn't want it in the family game room because his younger brothers are pretty young and could mess it up so he's getting a second small room away from everyone so he doesn't have to downsize or worry about his brothers messing with it. He does know that the second room is still a guest room and that half bath is not his."

~

3) Commenter- "Admittedly, why can't she stay with her Mum through this? Is it because she doesn't want to, or because her place isn't accessible enough?

Will she be OK with your wife - aka "not her mum" - helping her change and bathe?

Will she be OK with her father helping her instead?

These are things that you gotta do for your kids, but has she had any input at all in how she's gonna be cared for?"

OOP's reply- "I'm not going to go into it but she was not safe living with her mom, which I did not know until recently. And yes, she's okay with my wife (who is a nurse) helping her. I think she'd actually prefer having my wife help her."

~

4) Commenter- "Wait, the OP was 5 days ago and in it you said your daughter was just in an accident but I am supposed to believe the guy that hit her is already in prison?"

OOP's reply- "She was in the accident a little over a week before I posted. It's very possible that the police found the guy and arrested him within 2 weeks."


I am not OP. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago Silver Wholesome Helpful

CONCLUDED AITA for not telling my ex about our child?

8.1k Upvotes

Friendly Reminder, I am not the Original Poster

Posted by u/Quirky_Border_8383 in r/AmItheAsshole and r/Advice

Original - posted 4 days ago

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wiwivp/aita_for_not_telling_my_ex_about_our_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmfAITA%20post

I was 18 when I got pregnant with my daughter (9f). I was young and dumb I admit that. Her father and I broke up before I found out - high school sweethearts.

At the time we were both figuring out college and I knew if I told him he wouldn’t go to the Ivy League school he was accepted into. So I didn’t tell him during pregnancy. He heard rumors but never asked.

When the baby was born I tried to tell him. He didn’t believe me. Blocked me on everything and I decided to provide for her without his help.

I bring my daughter everywhere and this particular day we went to Target. I’m walking down the shampoo aisle with my daughter and when I looked up I saw my ex’s mom.

I have never lied to my daughter about who her father was or his parents. She has seen pictures. When she was little and asked where he was I explained college and when she got older I never painted him as the bad guy. I’ve always told her mommy made adult decisions too young.

My daughter is the spitting image of her father so there’s no denying it’s his child. Once she saw her she had a face like she knew something and asked me how old she was. She told me she had heard rumors but didn’t think they were true. Once I told her i saw her face put the connection together. I explained I wanted to contact him but didn’t have a way to. (I didn’t bother telling her I tried when she was born.)

She understood and asked if she could tell him. I said of course. Apparently he’s been living a couple hours away which is why I never ran into him and they moved a few towns over.

My ex called and invited me to his parents house for dinner tomorrow with our daughter. Do I go? His new girlfriend is blowing up my social media calling me an AH. She says I’m only telling him now so they break up and how I’m a horrible mother for not telling him sooner. As if I don’t feel bad enough my daughter has missed out this long.

My daughter wants to meet her dad. She understandably has questions.

Posted in r/Advice

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/wjb9sz/do_i_go_to_dinner_with_my_ex_so_he_can_meet_his_9/

Edit:

I took everyone’s advice to ask my ex to meet for coffee before dinner. He said he’d be happy to get coffee tomorrow morning so we can have the adult conversations without her there. He also wanted to talk to me anyway to know what she liked so he knew what to talk to her about.

I also let him know I didn’t want to cause drama but I sent him screenshots of what his girlfriend has been saying. He let me know that’s not acceptable and he’ll be handling that immediately and I will not be hearing from her again. He also reiterated he will not be having her meet our daughter anytime soon.

I know everyone is also asking about how involved or consistent he’d like to be. When I spoke to him earlier about dinner we did speak about this. He’d like to start small and build their relationship slowly. Starting with helping with science homework (our daughter struggles with science and he was a biology major) over FaceTime or in person depending on our daughters comfort level. I think it’s a great way to start small.

Edit 2:

My ex and I met for coffee. It actually went really well. There was no big emotions; we both just talked it out.

He wants to be involved with his daughters life and feels badly he’s missed out on so many years. We talked about her favorite things, favorite foods, favorite places, favorite books, and movies. I even told him some of the ways she was a lot like him growing up.

He does want to apologize to her directly when he meets her. He said he wished things had gone differently back then but we both decided we need to forgive each other to move forward for her. He asked if she had a father figure right now (a spouse of mine or current significant other) as he wanted to make sure we were on the same page when he met her and I explained that’s not the case.

He also did show me the messages where he told his parents and his girlfriend what actually happened 9 years ago. He told them I’m not completely to blame and I let him know he isn’t either. We have agreed our daughter doesn’t need to hear the whole version of events but we do owe her an apology for making really big decisions that affected her life for so long.

I guess we’ll see how dinner goes.

Update on dinner:

Prior to the dinner I let my daughter know that if she wanted to leave early we could or if she felt uncomfortable at all to let me know. I also told her if she didn’t want to say anything in front of anyone (sometimes kids don’t want to hurt other peoples feelings) that if she asked me for lotion I would know that meant she wanted to leave.

On our way there she did ask if it was okay if she called him dad or if she would call him by his name and I told her that her dad and I had talked about that and she can call him whatever she’s comfortable with.

We went there and it went really well. We brought some pictures of her growing up and my ex’s mom went out and bought one of our daughters favorite books for her to read so that they could talk about it.

I could tell my daughter was a little nervous at first not knowing what to expect but that very quickly changed.

They had bought a small activity for them to do with her after dinner which she loved. Her dad and I also apologized to her together for making decisions that affected her life this long. We promised her to work on making sure she had a good relationship moving forward with both of us because we know her heart is big enough for all of her family.

At the end of the night my ex’s mom actually brought out a box that had all our high school memories inside. I didn’t realize she had kept any of it. A jewelry box he bought me, a couple charms and bracelet he had bought me, pictures, his handkerchief from prom, and our old promise ring. She was really excited to see a small glimpse from our past. Her dad even told her she could have the items once she’s older which for her meant a lot (she’s a very emotional and sentimental child).

They talked about how he’s going to help her with some homework if she wants and he’s planning on moving back around here to be closer to her. He even volunteered to help with her first science fair if that was okay (which made me sad for a split second and then I remembered I’ve had 9 years of firsts with her so he can have this one).

All in all I think everything is going really well. Also apparently the girlfriend is out of the picture - I don’t know the details but I know she said some things when he confronted her about the messages she sent me and it got ugly fast.

On the way home she was so excited she couldn’t stop talking about dad and grandma and grandpa. It made my heart happy she had so much fun.

I know some people were asking about child support. Him and I had a conversation around it while she was spending a few minutes with her grandparents. He volunteered to pay child support. I’ve been paying for her things on my own for so long that I told him I think it would be more beneficial for him to help me with things going forward and to contribute the rest to her college fund. That way the money is going into her future.

I do have an appointment set up with her therapist tomorrow just so she can talk to her about it and everything. Dad is also going to start occasionally going to therapy with her too. I do it periodically as well so we thought it would be beneficial.

Update:

For everyone asking for updates our daughters first day of school is coming up. Dad and grandparents are coming to my house on her first day of school for pictures. She called and asked them to come and no one hesitated to take the morning off of work.

Response from OP:

"I think he will. He’s moving back home to be closer to her and he’s trying. I can’t ask for more than that."

"She’s living her best life right now. Which I’m super happy about. Dad has been calling every day and they talk which has been great for her."

"His parents are just so happy to finally be a part of her life"


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote Wholesome Seal of Approval

CONCLUDED OOP hates cooking and I could not relate more - "Trying to get into cooking. Very demoralized. All advice is welcome."

2.5k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Siiimo in r/Cooking

mood spoilers: nice

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Trying to get into cooking. Very demoralized. All advice is welcome. - 4 years ago

I hate cooking. I've hated it for all of my 30 years on this planet. I love eating, but I hate cooking. Almost every time I cook, it's the same experience: it takes me 2-3 times as long as the recipe says, I end up messing something up and I end up disliking the food anyways. The thought I end up with is usually something along the lines of "Jesus. That took so long and it's so mediocre. I'd rather have that three hours back and just buy a rotisserie chicken."

However, recently, I found a recipe for lemon butter salmon. I made it in less than half an hour with only a few minutes of prep and it was great! I was thrilled. It invigorated me. Suddenly I understood why all these people talk about liking cooking, so I've endeavored to learn another 10 recipes that are as quick, easy and delicious as that one.

The first one I tried was three cup chicken. It went poorly, the chicken was very overcooked. I decided that I hadn't followed the recipe closely enough.

Second time was stir-fry, this took a long time but I was happy with the results.

Third time, tonight, was a pasta dish. The steps were pretty much:

  1. Sautee sausage
  2. Sautee vegetables
  3. Add pasta

It took me about three hours, including clean up. The results were below average. I sat there at the end of the three hours looking at my plate and wondering if I could choke down the rest of the meal or if I'd have to make something else. It was just bland. I was upset and am upset. It made me hate cooking again and has lessened my motivation to try it again. I could have made a salad and bought a rotisserie chicken and had a better meal for way cheaper with way less effort.

I guess my question is: How can I find some recipes that are delicious and hard to screw up? Why do I dislike this thing that so many others seem to like? What am I doing wrong?

I feel like if my next two attempts go as poorly as tonight that I'm probably going to bow out of this attempt to learn to cook. Ugh. It just sucks.

TL;DR I don't know how to cook and it sucks.

Notable Comments:

RichardFine·

To get good at cooking, much like many other things, you need to iterate a lot. Try, fail, reflect, repeat. You're new - expect to fail at some things, embrace it! You can always look for easier recipes, but there comes a point (like "1. Add the cereal into the bowl. 2. Add the milk. 3. Serve") where you'll feel like you're not really accomplishing anything any more. And every time you change recipes, you will be kinda starting over - you'll carry through some skills, but you'll leave behind a lot.

So, IMO, it's interesting that it took 3 hours for that pasta dish - it'll be tough to practice cooking that dish if it takes you 3 hours every time. Could you break down where the time went?

Three tips that might help:

  • When you watch a TV chef cook, and they've got everything they need laid out - pre-chopped in little bowls etc - that's not just because watching someone chop vegetables for 5 minutes is boring TV. Getting everything ready like that means that when you turn on the heat - and start the clock on your ingredients - you have everything at your fingertips and can focus 100% on what's in the pan. It's also easier to get into a rhythm if you do all your peeling, then all your chopping, etc, rather than jumping back and forth between stirring pans and chopping vegetables.
  • Use your senses of taste and smell throughout the process. Keep a 'tasting spoon' to hand, and every few minutes check where your dish is at. I wouldn't even worry too much about reacting to what you taste to begin with; just learn what your dish tastes like at different stages of doneness. The only thing to be careful about is food safety - you don't want to eat a spoonful of raw sausage - but if things look cooked, or are things that you could safely eat raw anyway, then it's usually not a problem. When you taste, think about what's in the pan so far, and think about what's still to go in.
  • There's nothing wrong with deviating from a recipe - but pay attention to why you are doing it, and look out for any reason that is anything other than "because I think it will be more delicious this way." Skipping mixing stuff in a bowl because you don't want to have an extra bowl to clean up? Letting something cook for longer because you want to watch this TV show until the next commercial break, or reducing the cooking time because you're hungry and want to eat right now? That's OK, but recognise that you're now trying to fit the cooking process around something other than maximum deliciousness. While you're a beginner, trying to simultaneously make it delicious AND fast AND minimal cleanup AND entertaining to cook, is a tougher challenge than just making it delicious. As you get more experience, it gets easier.

    IHkumicho·

Was going to post about the sequential thing. The most important part is to READ THE ENTIRE RECIPE FIRST. Then plan out your cooking accordingly. If you're going to make pasta, you have to boil water. Why not start that at the beginning, so it can be coming to a boil while you chop and saute other things? If you're sautéing vegetables and sausage, why not do the two of them at the same time in different pans? Some foods do better when you cook them in the juices of something else that you just cooked, but there's no rule that you have to do it that way.

And yes, cleaning up afterwords is my least favorite part of cooking. When I win the lottery I'm not going to hire a home chef, just someone to clean up after I do the cooking.

squishypearls·

OP, please don't succumb to the discouraging feeling - you are doing a wonderful job of trying something you are not only uncomfortable with, but also actively dislike, in hopes to change. That takes a brilliant mindset of self-improvement and I am so happy for you with your salmon success!

I'm a very novice cook myself, currently studying while living in a shared apartment, so I'm no expert or fancy chef but would love to share what worked well for me.

Start simple and build upon it. You and I both had similar beginnings with stir fry, and that's where I'd recommend any novice to start (as long as they like stir fry). You were happy with the results, so ask yourself in that instance: what was it about the recipe that you liked? Which flavours did you enjoy the most and what if you tried X or added Y next time? Go back to your stir fry where you had success and keep making variants of it. Try a different seasoning, try making your own sauces.

There's nothing wrong with using premade sauces - in fact for me, they were a great learning tool. Years ago I used different jarred/premade stir fry sauces until I found one that was particularly tasty, then looked at the ingredients list to get a clue about what it was I liked so much. From there, I went on to experiment with different amounts of garlic, light soy, dark soy, ginger, chilli sauce, chilli flakes, sesame oil, lemongrass, white pepper, oyster sauce, mushroom 'oyster' sauce, and so much more to recreate a good blend for a stir fry. Once I'd experimented and found a few set combinations that I really liked, I also tried out some different ingredients. For example, I took a risk buying a small pack of those really salty, funky mini dried shrimp that smell very fishy, but tried adding that to my next stir fry combo and it was amazing.

The key point here is to just keep doing stir fries over and over, but with something new or modified each time - make yourself a stir fry king. Mastering something will boost your confidence for sure and the skill of experimentation is really important in cooking; don't be afraid to be a 'mad scientist' and try everything. Let the failures guide you too! When you know why something failed and what that failure tasted like, you'll know not to do it again and can experiment with different ways to prevent it. In my above example, it would be adding wayyy too much mini dried shrimp the first time - it made my dish overly salty, although I still enjoyed it. No problem - next time I tried, I just used a bit less and added a hint of brown sugar to counter the little salt-bombs. That's the sort of thing you want to try doing and hopefully you can learn to love the process as much as I have come to love :)

In your pasta example, perhaps the problem was lack of seasoning and spices? There are lots of guides around the internet relating to spice combinations and learning them helps amp up your cooking so much. Learn to stray away from standard salt and pepper. Here's an infographic I found on reddit a few years ago and used to learn some basics (scroll down and click on the box for the infographic - alternatively I think googling a reddit upload would give the same result, it was reposted many times).

Another way I learned cooking was honestly from being an avid r/GifRecipes binger. Sure, not all the recipes are great there, and sometimes the comments are less than wonderful... but it was from watching food being cooked over and over again, in many different recipes, that helped me get an 'intuition' for what works and what doesn't when experimenting. Sometimes the comments are useful though, and you learn little tidbits such as why adding chopped garlic too early is bad (can burn and become bitter, but sometimes that taste is required in Asian cooking), or why a pat of butter improves a particular sauce, and so on. Take the comments with a grain of salt and incorporate into your own cooking. Sometimes the advice is really wonderful and I learn a thing or two about new spices and cooking methods.

Embrace mistakes and keep up the effort OP! Cooking is a newfound joy for me so I really want to share it with everyone I can - hope you one day find that joy again in another dish :)

[Update] Trying to get into cooking. Very demoralized. All advice is welcome. - 2 years ago

So about a year and a half ago I made this post. In it I talk about how I was bad at cooking and had no hope of improving.

I was very much of the opinion that I could not make food that I wanted to eat, and extra effort in cooking yielded few rewards. This is kind of a big deal for me because I'm trying to control my weight and that's hard to do if you're rarely making your own food.

I came to Reddit hoping that maybe someone could point out a mistake I made or link a recipe to try next time. The response was unexpected, overwhelming and so very encouraging. Dozens of redditors offered everything from well wishes to hundreds of words detailing how I should shift what I was doing.

I'm glad to say that not only did it work, but I am now pretty good at cooking!

I just wanted to come back and say thank you so much to everyone in this sub. I know that my little 9 karma post isn't a big deal, but it was truly life-changing for me. I now cook full meals multiple times a week. My restaurant outings have drastically decreased, because I discovered it actually isn't very hard to make super delicious food (thanks Chef John!). I've made multiple meals for immediate and extended family, and they've all raved and praised the food. It's great to feel confident that I can make delicious food whenever I want.

Thank you all so much. Particular shout-outs to everyone (/u/rabbitofrevelry /u/SuspiciousRhubarb4 /u/RichardFine /u/justamemeguy /u/squishypearls /u/LavenderIcedTea /u/ArichAnpin /u/cynikalAhole99 /u/KLizayers) who wrote small essays in an attempt to help me, even though I sometimes didn't respond I read them all many times!

Here's an album of some stuff I've made, if anyone cares.

Thanks, r/cooking!

---

**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago

CONCLUDED Breakfast lady complains about cold creamer, ends up in hot water. (Long!)

2.5k Upvotes

*I am NOT OP. Original post by u/GeranimoAllons-y in r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk*

mood spoilers: Revenge

Note: "NA" means Night Auditor, thank you to* Auselessbus for the info!

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ORIGINAL: FOR THE LAST TIME STOP WITH THE COFFEE CREAMERS!!!! - 3 years ago

Every morning when I work NA the breakfast lady comes in and makes a snide ass comment about how I need to make sure to set out the coffee creamer. And EVERY morning I tell her that I set out the creamer when the first guests start coming down stairs. We have had problems in the past where the cream will curdle because it got too hot and trust me GUESTS DON'T LIKE CURDLED CREAM IN THEIR FUCKING COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But OH no how dare I not set it out by 5:30 every morning??? Like you fucking twatcycle there are some mornings that people don't come down to the lobby till 7. I'm not gonna just set the cream out to get hot before it needs to be.

I'm about to just stop making the coffee altogether. Make her do it for a change. Fucking butthole.

UPDATE 1: Literally seething right now - 3 years ago

I have been working N/A for almost 2 years now. In all that time I haven't really had any issues, have kept my head done and done my job. Last July I had to have surgery on my back that left me using a cane and unable to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I need a second surgery but for now am super restricted in what I can and cant do.

I have been having a little mini war against one of the breakfast attendants at my property because she wants me to set out the coffee creamer super early and I refuse to unless guests are actually coming down stairs, as guests getting curdled cream in their coffee is something that happens frequently because they sit it out so long it spoils.

This same breakfast attendant also wants me to set up the cereal, set out these super heavy wooden containers (these hold glass containers with our jelly, sugar, oatmeal toppings, etc), and set out everything except for the hot food that is supposed to be done at 6 or 7 in addition to the coffee. Essentially wants me to do about 90% of her job. For awhile after my surgery I pushed myself to make sure that everything was done as she had asked because I didnt want to rock the boat, even though I was directly going against my surgeon's directions. So I had a talk with my manager and all of the breakfast attendants and explained that I couldnt do everything I had been doing as it was directly contributing to my back issues and the longer I did those things the worse it got.

Everyone else was alright with this and completely understand. Not this bitch. Every morning that she works she scolds me like an errant child about not setting everything out for her. Every morning I remind her that I am literally under medical restrictions and cannot do those things. Today she was working and again pulled her bullshit, but took it a step further by complaining to my direct manager (I spoke to the GM about my restrictions as at the time I didnt have a direct supervisor). I got a message earlier from my direct manager saying she wants to speak to me tonight when I come in but didnt say what about. Not even a minute later the girl covering the desk right now messaged me to let me know that Breakfast Bitch was talking all kinds of shit to the manager right before I got the message about her needing to talk to me.

I'm so fucking sick of this!! Its literally her job as BREAKFAST ATTENDANT to do this shit!!!! Unless this bitch is going to contribute to my medical bills that are going to continue to grow the more I push myself to do things like this she can shut the fuck up. Any ideas on what I should do to help in this situation that I'm maybe not seeing? I've talked to her several times and am just not getting through to her.

Update

I arrived on my shift to an email from my direct manager, I will put it below, please tell me if this is ok? Do I need to add more to get my point across?

Direct Manager-[Geranimo] if you will please set dry breakfast items out and unlock the milk in the morning for [company]. And coffee..

Me- Hey [Direct Manager], I have only not set out coffee once since I have been back, I have talked to [breakfast attendant] about this issue several times. The only thing not done to her standard was the coffee creamer, which I don't set out until guests start to come down. I will continue to do it this way as guests don't like warm or curdled cream in their coffee. I didn't realize [company] was in house last night and did not set out the cereal. I will make sure this is done each morning I am here however, I am unable to carry the heavy wooden blocks with the dry goods as per my surgeons requests. I will do all that I am able to do as best I can, as I usually do, but I cannot in good conscious put my back at risk for further injury by carrying things too heavy for me. Please let me know if this will be an issue, thanks in advance.

Notable comment:

spottedbastard

When you meet with your manager stay calm. State the facts as they are

  1. you are injured and should not be doing those things (I assume you have given your work some sort of info from your doctor to back this up)
  2. if those jobs are the breakfast attendants and not yours, make sure you have proof. Copies of the position descriptions etc.
  3. clearly state that the amount of time you spend doing her role, takes you always from doing your own duties to their full extent.

UPDATE 2: Update to Literally seething right now - 3 years ago

Arrived to my shift tonight to this email waiting from my direct manager:

Thank you for helping out. Please continue doing what you and [Breakfast attendant] have agreed to and if you even think you may have a problems with carrying something don't do it. We will manage and figure something else out.

I have printed off the emails and will continue to build up my evidence that they are violating ADA rules. Until then this is pretty anticlimactic but I'm about to throw some mad r/pettyrevenge at this breakfast bitch!

UPDATE 3: Update 2, Literally seething right now- the saga continues! - 3 years ago

In the first update I thought the situation was done for now as my direct manager told me to do what I can and they (the breakfast attendant and management) will figure out the rest. I wasn't super happy with it but figured whatever this should be the end of this. But I also decided that I was also done doing extras for this breakfast bitch.

See she loves to complain but conveniently forgets that I have been going above and beyond for her and keeping my mouth shut to management about sketchy stuff she does. She has a bad habit of bringing one of her grand kids to the hotel and having me give her a key to an empty room for the kid to sleep in, without management approval of course because apparently that shit's beneath her. She will also call around the time she is supposed to be here and tell me to clock her in, in the past I just did it (I have since learned that shit's hella illegal, so even if we weren't in this situation I would have stopped but the timing is just convenient)

One of her biggest things is she wants me to open both of the kitchen doors as soon as I get here so that by the time she gets here it will be a normal temperature (with 2 refrigerators and 2 freezers its hot as hell in there). So yesterday I made sure that shit stayed shut. So breakfast bitch rolls up around 5:30 and immediately starts yelling across the lobby about how I need to make sure those doors are open or she will be too hot (boo fucking hoo bitch). I just looked at her. I didn't say anything just stared at her like she was suddenly speaking Hebrew (and me without my pocket translator, damn).

Tonight I arrive to an email from the GM telling me to make sure to open those doors, because otherwise the freezers will overheat and the food won't be as cold! Now if this had EVER been mentioned before I wouldn't be upset but this is obviously her way of trying to keep the peace between me and breakfast bitch. But as they have recently talked to me about taking a management track position I think it may be a test.... So I just sent a reply back to the email telling her I would make sure everything was done and am now trying to plot my petty revenge.

I will be opening the doors to the kitchen today, but not until 4:50 so it will still be hot in there. I am also eagerly waiting for breakfast bitch to either call to try to get me to clock her in or to bring her grand kid up here so I can tell her no but hell no.

Edit I have decided not to be petty about this. If I want to be management someday I can't pull stuff like that and think that I am good management material. However, I do believe that the best revenge will be to live well and show her that no matter what she throws at me I will not allow myself to get sucked into her games and jeopardize my future for someone that in 10 years isn't going to matter to me. When I do make manager though I will make sure to write her up for any and all sketchy shit I catch her doing.

In the meantime any advice on how to be the most professional I can be about this situation?

UPDATE 4: Update 3 to Literally Seething Right Now - 3 years ago

Last week shit kind of hit the fan right before I left my shift so I waited until I was back on this week to update so I would know the repercussions of what happened.

So when we had left off I had decided to take the moral high road and comply with as much of the bullshit that lazy breakfast bitch threw at me. I had been told I was on track for management training and down the road a promotion and no way in hell was I gonna let this bitch ruin that chance for me. Was it frustrating that she was making such a big deal over things I am having a hard time doing, yes. But at the end of the day I was just going to deal with it until I got promoted and then write her up for all her bullshit (not shit from the past, she just does as she pleases and gets no repercussions so I know I would have plenty to write up in the future).

This lasted until around the time breakfast bitch strolls in the door. See, that night I had done everything I could do but I did forget to open the kitchen doors so the kitchen would be cooler when she came in. She walks in the door and I am talking to one of our long term stay guests (seriously dude has a reservation for 300 nights with us this time around!) He is really chill and likes to come down and talk with me in the mornings. He goes to talk to her by the kitchen door and she starts her bullshit of "wish she would have opened this door" in the snarkiest tone imaginable.

Now while I don't like her talking shit to begin with I thought it was super unprofessional that she pulled this to one of our best customers. I'm kinda pissed, but whatever I'm just trying to make it to the end of my shift so I can rant at my poor husband (who is super done with hearing about this bitch lol) I let it roll off and don't say anything.

She goes in the kitchen and is SLAMMING cookware and silverware all over the place. Coming out into the breakfast area and throwing things on the counter. We had guests sitting right next to where she was doing this!! It got so bad that one of our other long term stay guests asked if she was alright. She told them she was fine and seemed to calm down but strike two bitch.

Things were quiet for about 20 minutes and then I can hear her talking on her phone talking about me! This bitch waited until breakfast started and called someone to complain about how little I do and how we wouldn't have any problems if I would just do my job. I'm fine with letting people rant but if I could hear her from the front desk then the lobby full of people down for breakfast sure as hell heard her!!

So now I'm so far beyond pissed. It's one thing to talk shit, it's another to be so unprofessional and try to "call me out" in front of multiple guests! As luck would have it my direct supervisor was working the next shift so when she got to work I immediately pulled her in her office for a little talk.

I laid it all on the table. I told her that I had been doing my best with the breakfast set up but that I could no longer continue to put my health at risk by going DIRECTLY against the wishes of my surgeon. I told her about breakfast bitches actions of that morning and how upset I was that not only was breakfast complaining about me to coworkers but now to guests as well. I finished it up by saying that this was the last straw. That I was tired of begging management to do something and that the next time something happened I would be going above our GM's head and taking this up with corporate HR.

It's amazing how quickly managements tone changed. They know they are already on some thin ice with me about some sketchy shit they pulled after my surgery and that I'm down to throw them under the bus for their actions in a heartbeat. I was told that I no longer had to help with breakfast set up if I didn't feel up to it and that if breakfast bitch says anything else that they will take care of it.

Breakfast bitch came in just now and is avoiding looking at me directly and hasn't said anything to me which, frankly, is how I prefer it. She is throwing stuff around but whatever. I fully plan on going to corporate if she does one more thing, management has already proven to me that I can't trust them to have my back on this issue.

UPDATE 5: Breakfast Bitch keeping up the bullshit - 3 years ago

So when I last wrote, management had changed their tune and told breakfast bitch to cut the shit with me. For the most part she has but it's been about a week and she is already ramping back up to her bullshit.

Last week (the day after management told her to chill out) breakfast bitch comes to me with a receipt for our local megachain superstore and tells me I need to fill out an expense report for her, as she is super busy. I've been her 2 years and have never had to do this before but assumed that since she used the corporate card to pick up some fruit for breakfast that this was just standard procedure. Nope. Literally all you have to do is write down what you bought with the card, the total cost with tax, and sign the damn thing. Yesterday, she does the same thing. I look at her like she is fucking stupid , write oranges and bananas on the paper and slide that shit right back to her to sign. I know she is just pulling some kind of power tripping bullshit and am not going to blow up on her (no matter how much I want to).

Yesterday morning she calls me around 5 saying she is going to be late, that she needs me to start the hot food for her. No big deal, it's legit just microwaving. I end up having all the hot food done and set out, she ends up being only 5 minutes late. I had assumed she would be at least 30 minutes late because otherwise why would she need breakfast started? Today she did the same thing. Called around 5 saying she needs breakfast started because she overslept and can I put the hot food out again for her? I don't do anything. I plan on starting the hot food 5 minutes past when she is supposed to get to work, she arrives only 3 minutes late. She doesn't actually need the help, she is just trying to get me to do more of her work now that management told me I would no longer be doing all the extra I had been doing before she decided to start being a demanding asshole.

She came over to me just now telling me how she is SO SORRY that I don't like her and how she will never ask me to help her with anything again (yeah right bitch) But she needs me to make sure the coffee creamer is out. THIS CREAMER IS WHAT STARTED THIS WHOLE THING AND I REFUSE TO PUT IT OUT BEFORE PEOPLE COME DOWN IN THE MORNINGS.

She may not realize that I am not, in fact, stupid but if she wants to play bitch games with me I will personally deliver those bitch prizes. She can postulate and power trip all she wants, I'm not falling for it and I sure as hell am not giving in.

Stay tuned for more bullshit

UPDATE 6: Breakfast Bitch's Petty Revenge - 3 years ago

Last we left off Breakfast Bitch has been postulating and power tripping her way through the mornings trying to sneakily get me to do more of her work , hoping that maybe if she does it slowly enough I may not notice. I may have the tiny arms of a t-rex but I assure you my mind is just fine lol.

So this whole week she has come in late. The first day it was just a few minutes and then more and more, etc. Today, my Friday, she is a whole 45 minutes late. Now I know that she is only this late as she wants me to have to set out breakfast (or at least most of it) before she gets here in the mornings. The last few days have kind of blown up in her face because I did nothing and made her crypt keeping ass have to hustle to make it on time.

Oh but she got me good today! She was so late that unless I started breakfast would have been late for the guests. Of course today was one of those mornings that people started queuing up about 15 minutes before breakfast is supposed to start. So I'm hobbling my decrepit ass as fast as I can trying to get at least SOME food set out for guests that are obviously in a hurry to get going because, ya know, breakfast was now supposed to have been started around 15 minutes ago. I finally manage to get everything out and in strolls breakfast bitch!

I seriously think this bitch got here and sat in her car watching me set everything out (which you can clearly see from the parking lot) and right as I bring out the last thing she walks in the door. If I hadn't seen headlights pull in 10 minutes before and hadn't known that no one had come in to the hotel I may have just believed this was a coincidence.

This lets me know 2 things. Breakfast Bitch knows that I am not going to let the guests suffer for our petty bullshit and that I WILL do breakfast when I absolutely HAVE to (even though it physically hurts me like a motherfucker), and that she knows I can't complain about this because she is phrasing this as she "overslept".

Normally this would kind of piss me off. Well, let's be honest guys. I would be seething. Throwing tables kind of mad. But today I am not. I'm not mad because I know something Breakfast Bitch doesn't know.

My promotion paperwork has been started! I started training for my management position yesterday and have been given more administrative roles working with the current management team and the front office staff. Breakfast bitch can preen and postulate and pull all the bullshit she wants for now. I am giving her the rope that she is going to hang herself with and I will be sitting front row with popcorn and a GIANT margarita!

For now I am going to go home and enjoy a long and well deserved bout of day drinking!

FINAL UPDATE: Breakfast Bitch and the end of the bullshit - 3 years ago

So last we left off Breakfast Bitch was denying up, down, and all around that she had done anything wrong and she was just a poor confused old lady who didn't understand why Geranimo stopped doing her job helping her. At the end of the meeting I was pretty steamed because it seemed like nothing was being resolved and I was just going to have to put up with the bullshit or find another job. Well the next morning GM pulls me into the office alone and tells me that she has thought about it and decided to change the standards of what NA or front desk does to help with breakfast just so there is no more confusion.

When this started I was making 1 container of coffee, 1 decaf, and 1 with hot water in addition to setting out everything but the hot food. Now the OFFICIAL rule is that I just make 1 pot of coffee and cream ONLY goes out if there are people in the lobby. I no longer set anything out for breakfast, I don't even turn on the juice machine. But not only that, now NO ONE is allowed to set up breakfast for the breakfast staff. Meaning that unless you are a breakfast attendant you have no business setting up the breakfast area. If the attendant is going to be late then so is breakfast.

I have won not only the battle, but the whole muthafuckin war!!! The saga is over and Breakfast Bitch has been defeated. You all have been amazing with the support and the interest, it warms my cold dead heart!

TL;dr- Breakfast Bitch complained about the extra work I was doing for her and now gets no help at all from any of the front desk staffMWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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*Reminder - I am not the original poster.*


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago Silver Helpful

CONCLUDED OOP's Wife Starts Getting Mysterious 1-Day Fevers After Babysitting Niece

5.1k Upvotes

I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL PERSON WHO POSTED THIS.

Original post by u/winampman in /r/AskDocs

mood spoilers: light BORU reading


 

Wife [34F] gets a 1-day fever after visiting brother's house, happened 4 times now - submitted on 18 Jan 2021

About 1.5 months ago, my wife began going to her brother's house to babysit our 2 year old niece for several hours. She plays with the baby in the morning, eats lunch there, puts the baby down for a nap, and then goes home in the afternoon. She did this maybe ~20 times total. On 3 of those days, she came home from babysitting and immediately felt fatigued and when we checked her temperature, it was 100-102 degrees. The fever always disappeared within 6-9 hours and she was feeling mostly fine by next morning. After the third time, we decided she should stop babysitting for the time being. She had no fevers since stopping the babysitting.

On Sunday (1/17) we visited her brother after not seeing them for a couple of weeks. We ate lunch together, and played with the baby. We went home and by dinner time she was feeling chills. She had a fever of 101.5. This is now the 4th time she has gotten a fever after coming home from her brother's house. This seems to be a pattern now, but we can't figure out what it is.

Other relevant facts:

  • She doesn't get a fever every time she goes to her brother's house. She has been at her brother's house many times (including babysitting) without getting a fever.
  • No other symptoms besides fever.
  • Until last month when this started, she hadn't had a fever in many years.
  • Because of the pandemic, we don't visit anyone else's home. She is currently unemployed so she doesn't go anywhere else either.
  • Nobody else in either household has reported feeling sick. She's the only one who gets the fever.
  • Brother's household: Brother, his pregnant wife, and 2 year old daughter. My household: Me and my wife.
  • Brother lives about 20 minutes away, kind of near some hills.
  • Not sure if it's related to food. When she was babysitting, they cooked lunch for her. But there was nothing unusual that she never eaten before. Today, we ordered food from a restaurant for lunch. Brother's wife baked banana bread for us to eat. We drank instant powered coffee with it. That's about it. And like I said above, no one else has any symptoms.
  • Of course it is technically possible that the fevers are unrelated to her brother's house, and just by pure crazy coincidence, are happening on the exact same days that we happen to visit her brother's house. (If this is the case, maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket...)

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Age: 34

Sex: F

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 127

Race: Asian

Duration of complaint: About 1 month

Location: Brother's house

Any existing relevant medical issues: None (that we know of)

Current medications: None

 

Response to OOP

Chiming in here because I have seen a few suggestions that this could be something like allergies, stress, pregnancy...I want to clarify that none of these conditions on their own will cause actual fevers, not as high as 101.5 or 102 that your wife is experiencing. A person's basal body temperature can fluctuate for many reasons, but fluctuations from something like pregnancy would not cause a true fever (which we typically define as 100.4 F or over).

Are you certain that she truly does not have fevers on the days she has not visited her brother's house? Perhaps there is something that triggers her to notice them more when she has visited their house? Since you say she doesn't come down with a fever every time she is there, my concern would be that she is having fevers at other points in time but perhaps doesn't notice it for some reason.

She should definitely get evaluated by a physician if she is having persistent or recurrent fevers. The differential is pretty wide but would include some type of indolent infection, an endocrine condition such as hyperthyroidism, autoimmune or auto inflammatory conditions, etc. Malignancy is also a possible cause, though less likely.

 

OOP Response

Are you certain that she truly does not have fevers on the days she has not visited her brother's house? Perhaps there is something that triggers her to notice them more when she has visited their house? Since you say she doesn't come down with a fever every time she is there, my concern would be that she is having fevers at other points in time but perhaps doesn't notice it for some reason.

We're pretty certain that she does not have fevers without noticing it, but we didn't take her temperature when she felt fine, so we can't say we're 100% sure. The first time she reported having a fever, I had to run out to the local pharmacy and buy a thermometer, because neither of us had a fever in many years so we didn't have a thermometer laying around in the house.

When she gets a fever, she is aware of it because of 1) excessive fatigue and 2) getting chills. During her last fever (yesterday) she was already feeling it before we left their house. I took off my sweater because it was warm in the house (we live in Southern California where the winters are very mild) and she asked to wear my sweater because she was feeling chills.

I will note that when she was babysitting, she would come home and usually take a ~1 hour nap. We are night owls who usually stay up until ~1am and she had to wake up around 8am for babysitting. So it was not unusual for her to come home and take a nap. She would wake up and feel rested and fine. On the days she got a fever, she would feel extra tired, take a nap, and wake up feeling terrible with the 100-102 fever. (which would subside by ~1am)

I'll try to get her to a doctor but she is reluctant to go into a doctor's office with this pandemic. :(

 


 

Medical mystery solved? Update on wife [34F] getting repeated 1-day fevers after visiting brother's house. One remaining question about infections... - submitted on 02 Aug 2021

Six months ago, I asked you guys about my wife getting mysterious repeated 1-day fevers after visiting her brother's house. It seemed like no one was 100% sure of the cause. (I don’t blame you guys, this was very unusual): https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/kzrnny/wife_34f_gets_a_1day_fever_after_visiting/

One new thing that happened: A couple months later, I started getting fevers after visiting brother's house too. Sometimes I would get it but not her. Our symptoms were consistent with some kind of bacterial/viral infection. But we ruled out food and water - we still got fevers despite not drinking any of their water, and despite ordering take-out from reputable restaurants that we've had many times in the past with no problem.

Where else could there be bacteria growing in their house? We live in a non-humid dry area, it's a relatively new house, no leaking pipes or anything... then that's when it hit me: There's a small humidifier in my niece's room! (what’s funny is that I mentioned the humidifier in a comment in my original post, but my brain failed to make the connection... sigh)

So I did some reading on humidifiers... like this, and this, and even another redditor. These articles are probably not the best scientific sources, so I found this too: https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/nioshtic-2/00213601.html It's a 1993 study published in the American Journal of Industrial Medicine. A summary:

  1. One day, 16 out of 31 employees at a store suddenly all developed fevers and chills.
  2. "The onset of symptoms ranged from 5 to 13 hours after entering the workplace, with a median onset being 7 hours. The illness lasted 2 to 24 hours." This matches our fever symptoms exactly.
  3. "A humidifier had been operating for the first time in many months on the day of the outbreak. An examination of the humidifier revealed that the baffles were covered with brownish grey sludge as it had not been cleaned since it had been purchased 19 months earlier." Also, there was poor ventilation that day.
  4. "Organisms isolated from the humidifier sludge included three species of the fungus Fusarium, ameba of the genus Acanthamoeba, and Gram negative bacteria."

Also, I started thinking about the full timeline of events, and the facts matched up:

  1. Why did my wife get fevers first, but not me? Because for the first few months, my wife would babysit and go inside niece's room (where the humidifier was located) to put her down for a nap, and/or put her down to bed at night. I did not babysit, and when I was at their house I would stay in the living room and wait for her.
  2. Why did I start getting fevers later? Because after a few months, my wife convinced me to help with our niece, which required going inside niece's room. So then I started spending ~30-45 minutes inside niece's room each time.
  3. Why did we sometimes not get any fever after going to brother’s house? Because we didn’t always go inside niece's room. On some visits, we just ate a meal together and/or stayed in the living room. Note - We didn't always get fevers when going inside niece's room. I think on those occasions, we didn't stay in the room long enough (e.g., just popped in to say goodbye), and/or they may have turned on the AC recently when the house felt stuffy, which would have pumped fresh air into the room.

Armed with this knowledge, we shared it with brother and his wife. He shared some more info: He was inexperienced with humidifiers, and did not know anything about humidifier maintenance. He confirmed that 1) he had never cleaned the humidifier since buying it late last year, 2) turned it on every night, 3) used unfiltered tap water for the humidifier’s water source, and 4) during the winter months he never uses the house heater (we have mild winters) so there was zero ventilation in niece's room. The humidifier is made of black plastic, so it’s difficult to see dirty water, but when I examined the humidifier in person, I pointed out a couple 1mm moldy green dots at the mouth of the humidifier. He immediately removed the humidifier and cleaned it upon seeing it. We have not had any fevers since then.

So then this leads to my final question for you guys: Why did we get fevers after inhaling dirty humidifier air for under an hour, but brother, niece, and his wife seemed to have zero symptoms? They never reported having any fevers/chills like we did. Can people develop immunity/antibodies for some bacteria/fungus? Or are some people/families just naturally immune to some bacteria?

Patient info: Wife is 34 Female, height 5'8", weight 127lb, race asian. My info is similar, within 5% of my wife.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago Silver Masterpiece Gold Wholesome

CONCLUDED OP kicked MIL out of the house for putting her career in jeopardy. (Part 2)

10.5k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/motherinpaws in r/JUSTNOMIL

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This is part 2 of the BoRU post. Part 1 is available here.

Piercing Patty almost gets arrested the second time. (Part 2.5)

Some of you expressed how disappointing it is that I am back here again and I agree! I truly thought PP and I were on the mend and that we were going to be one of the lucky ones that survived a JustNo incident. I wanted to forgive her but I needed time to heal. She, however, did not feel as if I was forgiving fast enough and for the past 6 months or so has been trying to needle herself back into our lives. It began with her asking once a month if she could visit, and then it became every week, and then it became an almost daily chore to tell her, "No, you cannot stay with us. We aren't over what you did yet." Like a scab, if you keep picking at me I can never heal. So her presence in my home became my hill to die on. I never lied to protect her feelings, I never gave her the runaround, and every time she asked me directly if she could come stay with us I told her the truth. I DO NOT TRUST YOU HERE ANYMORE BECAUSE OF YOUR ACTIONS. But still, she persisted.

So after the hilarious gate incident, or as I call it, Gate-gate, I was stuck in an awkward position. You see, I still wanted to go see CIL in the hospital and make sure AIL had all the tools she needed to do her Mom-ing, but I definitely didn't want to interact with PP. Alas, I went anyways because I loved CIL more than I hated PP. AIL needed some rest after all the excitement died down and so I told her to go back to the hotel and I would take an evening shift with CIL. I brought CIL all her favorite junk foods and some fashion magazines. We were busy chatting about some boy she had been seeing and whether he likes her, or like-likes her. (Ah, to be young again.) In waltzes PP with the worst look on her face. It honestly chilled the room. I don't know how to accurately describe this face but imagine if you spent all day at the salon dropping tons of money on your stylist and colorist and then coming home to your husband saying, "I liked it better before." Yeah, it would be THAT face. It was the kind of disdain only a woman could convey on her face. Hey, you know what? This isn't about me, we are both here for CIL and I will just deflect, deflect, deflect to ease the tension. We can have WW3 when we aren't caring for a broken-legged college student.

Me: Hello, Patricia. (I don't know why but I cracks me up to be so formal with her! Like, suck it--we ain't friends anymore)

PP: What are you doing here?

CIL: We're just hanging out. What are you doing here PP, where's mom?

PP: AIL took a Goober to Target, she packed so quickly that she forgot a few things. (Seriously, is this what we are calling ride-shares now? If I wasn't so annoyed with her, I'd find it endearing.)

CIL: OH! I'm gonna call her, maybe she can pick up some Personal Item and some Favorite Snack for me.

CIL gets distracted calling her mom so PP's full attention is on me now.

PP: I don't know what I did to make you treat me like this.

Me: Seriously? Because it happened not that long ago. You broke into my office and compromised my client's privacy. That's what you did. Do you really not remember? I'm actually incredulous

PP: Are you STILL mad about that? I said sorry.

Me: Yeah, it's kind of a big deal PAT-TRISH-UHHHHH. And you can say sorry until you're blue in the face, I am not forgetting that it happened! You could have really messed things up for me and DH.

PP: Well, you can't keep me out of your life forever. I'm DH's mother, I have a right to be in his house!

Me: He only owns half of that house PAT-TRIX-SIAAAAA. Which half do you want access to, the left half or the right half? (Ha! How many ways I could pronounce her name by emphasizing different syllables is a new fun game I play.)

PP: I would never speak to my MIL that way!

Me: You don't have a MIL. So, like, the top half or the bottom half? We could quarter the home and you could just stay in 2 quadrants at a time or...

CIL gets off the phone with her mom. Click.

PP: CIL, I came to bring you dinner. She hands over a bag of McDonalds

CIL: Oh, no thanks. I'm kind of full from the stuff motherinpaws brought. You can just leave it there, I'll have some later.

PP: WELL I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I?! MOTHERINPAWS GETS TO DO EVERYTHING AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!

CIL gets the most bewildered look on her face

PP: GO AHEAD AND RUIN YOUR BODY WITH THAT JUNK She points to the pile of snacks I brought I AM A MOTHER, I KNOW YOU NEED REAL FOOD TO GET BETTER! (Chill lady, chicken nuggets do not have medicinal properties.) MOTHERINPAWS IS NOT EVEN A MOTHER! SHE WILL NEVER BE A MOTHER! SHE COULDN'T DO WHAT I DID!

whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. wuuuuuuut! okay, this thing just turned into another thing

At this point CIL is tearing up a bit. I mean, she's being yelled at for not eating Mcdonalds and she's scared. I feel bad because I know that PP's anger is directed towards me and so I get up to leave because I didn't want CIL to have to bear my burden. I'm gathering my things aaaaaand.....SPLASH! PP tossed a big gulp sized cup full of McDonald's coke at me!!! Ok, first the fuck of all- this purse is Yves St. Laurent- so you're basically dead to me for getting the leather wet. And second of all, you were being so loud a second ago that a nurse poked her head in, saw you assault me with your refreshing beverage, and called security.

CIL yells at PP to stop. Security comes in and CIL begs them to make her leave, I'm already on my way out because I need to mourn the collateral of war that is my expensive ass handbag, and then it happens. She lunges at me! Not to hit me, but to get closer to point in my face and yell some more, however, that is not how security interpreted the situation and they arm barred her so hard she fell on her ass! HAHAHA! She gets told that if she does not leave immediately they are calling the police. True to her new M.O. she grabs a one of those mauve-pink plastic cup that was on CIL's bed table thing and throws in at one of the security guys, and then BOOKS IT out of the hospital before they could arrest her. I honestly didn't think she was in any shape to run, but hey, I've been wrong before. It was impressively fast!

Up next? The unforgivable thing that led to NC.

Piercing Patty does the Unforgivable Thing. (Part 3)

Edit: No sass, I am so, so touched by everyone who partook in the "I am not a real woman because..." movement in the comments. It was such an amazing show of solidarity to me and those who struggle with infertility. I read every single comment. I had never thought of myself as not a "real" woman. Even when we got the news from my doctor I just thought of it like a scar or a hair color. It was just a characteristic of my body and I couldn't change it so I wasn't ashamed of it. When PP said the Unforgivable Thing to me, it was the first time since the diagnosis that I felt so small. Like someone was informing me for the first time that this, in fact, was something to be very embarrassed over and I should lament for the rest of my life over the injustice. Well.....I DON'T AND I'M NOT! I have thousands of friends on the internet PP, and they make me feel 10 ft tall! I don't fit into your little boxy definition of what a woman is and that's okay because your approval would destroy me :)

You guys crack me up! Okay, in order of the most asked (although I would not say that it was in order of importance) I will answer the following:

I had my bag cut, re-dyed, and resewn. The YSL survived, but it will never, ever be the same.

CIL is doing fine. She is set to make a full physical recovery. Although I think she is still very frightened to drive by herself. I know it gives her anxiety to do simple things like run to the store. Poor girl.

Last we left off I am was driving my sticky self back home to DH. I got home, explained what happened, and then I went into my closet, plucked my purses off their shelves one by one until I found the right one, dug into the unlined pocket, lit up one of my emergency cigarettes and had a long, deep drag.

I was so angry and so humiliated. PP splashed a drink in my face! Like, did I get my own show on the E! network?? If so, when's the check coming? I got bags to replace!

DH comes in and holds me for a bit. We talk. I am still trying to understand why she is acting like this. It's very, very aggressive compared to her past behavior. She's usually just extremely annoying, the physical escalation has me very worried. I start to think maybe it is a brain tumor. I will later learn that her only diagnosis is that she is an asshat.

DH calls his mom and sets up a meeting. She tries to tell her side of the story but it's honestly so absurd that nothing makes sense and he ends up being even more confused after she tries to explain to him what happened. We absolutely cannot go on like this. As luck would have it, AIL, who is now furious at PP for yelling at her infirm daughter, has kicked her out of the hotel room they shared and now PP has booked a flight back to Southern State because she has nowhere to stay (don't look at me, bitch!). The flight leaves tomorrow evening so we plan to have lunch before we drop her off at the airport.

Before I get to lunch I want to share something with you guys. DH and I have been childless. Not necessarily childfree but we liked to travel, go to bars until late at night, and do exclusively adult things. It was a lifestyle that worked for us for a long time but in the last year or so I've been kind of thinking that maybe I didn't need two guest rooms and that one of them would make a nice nursery you know? We weren't trying, but we weren't NOT trying either. If it happens, it happens. Well, nothing happened. Nothing happened for a long time. I got insecure and suspicious. Long story short, doctor says it's me. It's fine, don't do the sympathy thing- it makes me feel like I should be sadder than I am and I'm not sad. Okay, that's a lie. I was sad for like, a second. But to be honest, the not knowing was worse. Now I can plan on doing what I always wanted to do, fostering to adopt! No skin off my back!

Now back to the lunch. Lord help us all, I have court in the morning so I can't give you guys a verbatim transcript but the gist is this: PP has not saved for retirement, like, at all. You guys, she works at a job that pays average, but would theoretically would have an amazing retirement plan. However, taking advantage of this retirement plan would require foresight. I guess she just planned to work until she was dead! But then DH put himself through school, and got an amazing career, and got himself a wife that works, and now we are just so rich that of course we would want to raise PP as our own. The end.

Jk, not the end. So much not the end. All the not the ends. We haven't even started!

This delusional cuntcrumb thought that when we were ready to have kids she would move in with us and take care of the baby. THAT WAS HER RETIREMENT PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now that we know we aren't going to have any biological kids and that the fostering to adopt option may yield in us adopting older kids that don't need a full-time granny helping out, she has lost her retirement plan. In her head, all along, I was going to beg her back into my home because a newborn was going to be more than I could bear alone. She was just waiting me out, I was going to grovel. She. Was. Sure.

I guess she really snapped when DH told her we weren't going to have kids. It kind of solidified that she may never be allowed back into the home (at least not via her retirement plan/nanny gig) and she became desperate to get into my house because she viewed it as the home where she would spend her twilight years. Like bitch, I wouldn't even let you spend the duration of the Twilight movie in my house. Get outta hea with that dumbass idea!

Ok side note: She's also in her early 50s and in reasonably good health. I mean, I just saw you run like Usain Bolt from two hospital security guards so..... I don't think now is an appropriate retirement age for you. Ya got a few taxpaying years left, PP.

I was kind of stunned at lunch so I didn't say much. DH was panicked because he knows it will fall on him to figure it out for her. But we both agreed that this was absolutely, never, ever, going to happen. It's amazing how you've been with someone so long that you can convey that entire message in nothing but a glance. DH told her flatly, "Mom, you cannot live with us. We like our life as it is and we don't think it's a good idea to be sharing our......" And then, as if on cue, she start crying uncontrollably. Loud, heaving sobs.

Lol, whatever bro. Keep your crocodile tears away from my club sandwich. It's got three slices of bread so this is a celebration sandwich. I'm not going to let you ruin a 3-slice day for me.

And then she says the Unforgivable Thing," If your wife was a real woman, I wouldn't have to live on the streets in my old age!"

Okay um....I'm going to need a fourth slice of bread. You just turned my happy sandwich into a sad sandwich. Uhhh, ouch! I'm a real woman. Fuck you. That statement really hurt my feelings for some reason. Usually when she talks I just let the words roll right past me but this was an act of war! PP, you can't just violate the Geneva Convention like that and expect no retaliation. Shrug. I kept eating my tiny triangles. (Why do they always cut club sandwiches into tiny triangles?)

I was going to take a beat to address the horrific thing she just said to me. I don't respond to attacks until I know that I can articulately stand up for myself, but the shock left me a little weak. So I'm thinking about how I am going to respond because I can feel tears well up in my eyes and I know the next time I blink I'll be crying. All of a sudden I am wearing my jacket! And now my arm is getting yanked! And now DH throwing of cash haphazardly onto the table (ahhh!!! my tiny triangles!!! I wasn't done!!!)! And now I'm in the car! We never responded. I never even said anything to defend myself. He shut my passenger side door and I cried harder than I remember crying in a long time. I knew we were done. I cried because I was relieved. I really thought he'd choose to help her because she was his mother. I thought I was going to have to help retire her one day if I wanted to stay with him but she did the Unforgivable Thing and now we are both off the hook. Yay?????

Idk how she got the the airport tbh. Probably took a Goober. I never thought about that before I started typing this story out. Huh.

When we got home I told him no more. She's blocked on everything and I told the gate guards to call the police immediately if she shows up again. Don't even notify me. She needs to get her own phone plan. Any trips to Southern State will not be attended by me. All the money we were giving her was going to stop. He can send her whatever he wants from his discretionary budget but I wasn't going to send her any of my wonky womb money. I'm a real woman goddammit, I don't need to shoot a baby out of my vagina to know that. You can suck my dick, Puh-Trish-ER! No Contact. Full Stop.

I don't have anymore updates for you guys. That was months ago and her name isn't even whispered in my house. DH doesn't talk about her (although I'm sure she's been begging him for more money), I don't think about her unless I am feeding llamas, and all we are concentrating on is getting approved to be foster parents. I hope my kid marries an attorney when s/he grows up so I can relive this saga step-by-step from the other perspective hahahaha! I've been tossing fountain drinks at dartboards for practice!

------

Reminder that I am not the OP.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago Silver

CONCLUDED OOP wonders if they're the AH for starting a house project without discussing it with their wife

5.4k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post and update by u/spareroom-throwaway in r/amitheasshole


Original:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whvysq/aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

AITA for starting a house project without discussing it with my wife?

My wife, Amy (27F) and I (27M) have a spare room in our home. We’ve gone back and forth since we moved in two+ years ago about what we wanted to do with it, but we never took the initiative to actually implement any of these plans. We already have a sufficient number of guest rooms and an office so the room just sits there, unutilized. I’m not that worried about it, but my wife brings it up now and then. These mentions are just of the unused room itself, not anything concrete she actually wants to use it for.

I made a new friend, Ben (30M), about eight months ago and it was very much one of those ‘we connected from the first time we spoke to each other’ situations. I’ve actually never had that many close male friends, so this connection is especially important to me. The conversation flowed so easily, we had loads in common. I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year, but it’s been very cool to experience that and get to know him.

One of the things that we bonded over was a similar love for art and music. Ben is way, way more talented than I am when it comes to painting, but it’s something we both enjoy. His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio for us both to use. I already ordered a few things for it and was getting ready to jump into painting the walls when my wife came in and demanded to know what I was doing. I explained that I was finally fixing up the spare room. She said it was unacceptable I had done this without confirming with her that it was okay, but I didn’t think I would need to since it’s been two years and the room has basically never been touched.

AITA?


Update (2 hours ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmjtav/update_aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

UPDATE: AITA for starting a house project without discussing it with my wife?

Original post here.

First off, I’d like to thank everyone who was compassionate towards me in the comments.

Ben and I sat down and talked on Tuesday night about everything. It was... overwhelming, to say the least. He was gentle and sweet, as always, and allowed me the time and space to say everything I needed to. That night was one of the most beautiful of my life. Acceptance, love, and trust are truly so, so powerful. Life-changing.

Amy and I had a conversation about the spare room last night. I had been putting it off since my post a few days ago and was hoping to wait until the weekend to talk about it all, but she insisted. I did as a lot of comments suggested and used the renovation as a lead in to talk about the other things going on. I told her that her reaction to it brought up a lot of confusing emotions for me that I’ve spent the last few days working through and things continued from there.

I had toyed with the idea of couples therapy and it was something she suggested, but I don’t think it’s a viable option. I love her, but I’ve come to realize that I was never in love with her like I once thought. And after getting to really and truly experience that... it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if we tried to force something that I’m not capable of giving to her. I’ll be splitting my time, staying in one of our guest rooms / with Ben in his apartment for the time being while we separate and work things out moving forward. Obviously that means the room renovations have been paused until further notice.

I’m really, really excited for the future.

ETA: clarification on my current living situation


Notable comments :

1) Commenter - "It great your have found someone you truly love but really dude have some compassion for Amy. Do you realize you just threw her who life upside down by telling her the person she is probably in love with never actually loved her and never could and now you also suddenly move in the person you 'truly love' into the home she probably envisioned as a place you two would raise a family.

I would never say you should live a lie to make her family or any of that bs but you seriously could just do this more tactfully you know by not moving him in so quickly, hell do you even know once the divorce process is done that either of you will even own this house anymore."

OOP's reply - "Sorry, I think my wording is coming off wrong in the post because another person thought the same thing.

To clarify, I didn’t move Ben into my home. I meant that I’m now sometimes staying in a guest room at my own home (so Amy and I aren’t sleeping in the same bed) and sometimes staying at Ben’s while we get through this transitional period."

~

2) Commenter - "If only you had this conversation before emotionally cheating on her. But at least you took people's advice and not drag it any longer.

But why are you splitting tjme between the house you currently live with Amy and Ben's? Isn't that a little insensitive? I know you guys have broken up, but you're essentially going to be reminding Amy that every night you're not at the house, you're over at the place of the person you left her for. Why not just stay at Ben's while you guys sort everything out?

I also vaguely remember a comment about the house being a lifelong birthday present for Amy. Just curious, what happened to that? Does that mean you're buying Amy's share of the house?"

OOP's reply - "I’m currently looking for a place of my own to stay for the time being. I don’t expect my friend to house me full time on such short notice.

We haven’t began discussing how we’re splitting assets yet. I don’t think she’s particularly interested in keeping the house, or if that’s an option for her."

~

3) Commenter - "Are you in love with Ben?"

OOP's reply - "I don’t know if I’m fully prepared to confront this yet. While I subconsciously knew my feelings for Ben were a lot different and more intense than anything I had ever felt before, it was hard to even admit that to myself a little while ago. That’s why all of the sexuality questions on the last post felt off to me— it was forcing me to be vulnerable. They also made me angry, in a way. Because literal strangers were pointing out things about me from a simple post/few comments that I struggled to see about myself.

In an attempt to answer your question… if this isn’t what “in love” feels like, I’m kind of scared to experience the real thing with how all consuming this level of fulfillment already is."

~

4) Commenter - "Is he in love with you?"

OOP's reply - "You would need to ask him that one.

The level of care and overwhelming support I’ve received all throughout our friendship but especially since we had our conversation certainly makes me feel loved."


Reminder I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago Silver

CONCLUDED WIBTA for firing an employee whose wife is very very sick when our work covers his health insurance?

4.4k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ExistingClaim6030 in r/AmITheAsshole

mood spoilers: sad but peacefully resolved

WIBTA for firing an employee whose wife is very very sick when our work covers his health insurance? - 11 Days ago

Recently, I learned that our company is doing layoffs, and I'll have to let one person among my 4 subordinates go. It came down to choosing one of the 3 least-experienced ones who were all hired about 2 years ago. A month ago, I would've said they are all roughly in the same ballpark of competence. I say a month ago, because:

A few weeks ago, one of the 3, I'll call him "A", began dealing with hardship. A's wife was hospitalized and is now very very sick; I remember A once said the doctors couldn't reassure him she'd make it through. As A tells us, he's now caring for their two inconsolable children alone and constantly having to go visit his wife.

Now obviously, none of that is any of my or our company's business; what is, is how A's work performance and productivity has plummeted. Since returning from his initial leave of a few days, he's constantly showing up late, leaving early, and is a lot less productive and focused during the day when he is here, and is often on phone calls. We've (politely) tried to tell him we needed him to focus, as this is causing a significant and notable reduction in our team's efficiency, but he always just apologetically says yes only to not really change and of course it's hard to insist further.

Of course I'm 99% sure he needs the job because our company has really good healthcare coverage so I'm sure if we lay him off that's going to affect him for the worse. (I'm guessing, I'm not familiar with the specifics of how it all works or if A has other insurance, but the fact that he didn't leave the job for longer suggests to me he doesn't.)

I tried to explain to HR and my superiors about this, and how it would be very bad for team morale for me to lay him off (the others all know, A's been pretty open about this to us), and asked for more time or something. They told me the downsizing decision was set in stone well above them, and there was nothing they could do. One of them suggested FMLA, but our local office of the company only has about 40 employees (and we're in a small town that's way more than 75 miles away from any of our other locations) so I think that means he'd be ineligible.

Initially my attitude was that this is a job and I needed to keep emotions out of it. "Don't blame me, blame capitalism and the American healthcare system". But I heard some differing opinions from friends/family (that's why I'm posting here because they made me reconsider). The one that made me question my stance the most was when one basically asked (paraphrasing): "hey, you have a lot of experience and are fairly well-off, and wouldn't have trouble finding other work in this market [that's all true]. So if you just comply, do you really have a right to pin all the blame on the system, instead of taking personal responsibility?" I kinda wasn't 100% sure what to say.

So Reddit, WIBTA for laying A off? Should I lay off one of the other two employees (still performing competently) instead?

Update 1 - in comments of original post

EDIT/UPDATE: Hey everyone, thanks for all the responses I wasn't expecting this to blow up. Don't have time to go through and reply to nearly everything so I'll just provide some info here.

I have to make this choice by Friday morning so that HR can be ready to deliver the news at the start of next week. I really have no flexibility here: our higher-ups told us that the downsizing decision was completely out of their hands and by the company's brass. They had to decide how many people and from which departments to lay-off in our locations across the country; that included a handful of people in our office, and specifically one person in my team. They told me this decision was final with no alternatives and there was nothing they could do or I could do, without risking our own jobs for insubordination, anyway.

Speaking of that, I'm not ready to go down the "refuse in protest" route because I have no guarantee they won't just lay off A anyway. So to me that's a pointless sacrifice.

From talking to HR, unfortunately A wouldn't be eligible for FMLA for the reasons I said (this 75-mile radius doesn't have at least 50 employees). Fortunately, he would be eligible for COBRA, but (once the grace period ends) he'd have to pay the premiums which they estimated come out to about $500 a month. The severance package would also be (since only 2 years) 4 weeks of pay. So it's better than nothing; but still, between a short-term severance, a nonnegligible premiums cost, and the fact that his wife's condition doesn't seem like it will be reversed anytime soon, it's still going to jeopardize his life.

Regarding the choice of who to fire: A and the other 2 subordinates at his seniority level all had the same start date, and were hired in the same round of hiring. So "last in first out" doesn't really help here. (If you're wondering, the 4th subordinate is the most senior and our de facto "second-in-command" so he's definitely off the table.) Unfortunately, per company policy: I'm not permitted to tell any of my subordinates of this upcoming layoff, regardless of whether or not I plan to select them. It's standard procedure in the corporate world, as that can make things very messy (especially since we work with sensitive data; the procedure is let it all be known at once rather than let anxiety and rumors fly about). So asking the others if they'd volunteer in advance isn't an option. (I'm also doubtful they'd agree because in this small town, this specific industry is rather competitive.)

I'm torn. My current intention is review some metrics from before a month ago to see who would've gotten the boot if the guy's wife wasn't sick. But I can't argue with what some of you said of how morale, and my reputation among my subordinates, would be irreparably damaged if I got rid of this guy; I can't predict how the others would take it. On the other hand, our team is already going to be struggling doing a 5-person job with a 4-person team, and that problem will only worsen if one of those 4 is an underperformer. For reference, today, he was even less productive than he's usually been these past weeks, but we've all continued to be patient and understanding.

So there really is no right answer here. I definitely will offer glowing recommendations and job-hunting advice to whoever I do let go, though.

Final Update - 3Hrs ago

Update to my previous post about WIBTA if I laid off "A", whose performance plummeted due to his wife being very sick.

For clarity here: "B" & "C" are the other two subordinates who were layoff candidates. A, B and C all had the same start date, and prior to A's wife's sickness, I would say they were all in the same ballpark of competence. "D" = my lead subordinate and our team's de facto second-in-command, who was always off the table for the pick due to his seniority and role importance.

Me, D, HR, and our office's head discussed the situation and potential ramifications extensively. We eventually agreed that we'd defer the decision to a review of pre-July metrics to see which employee would've been canned if this happened before A's wife got sick; HR said that'd be important for legal reasons no matter who was picked. (I'll clarify that me and D did this review ourselves with full transparency into the evaluation process; so it's impossible that someone outside our team fudged the review to target A.) Tragically, indeed, A had the lowest score. Although it was not by much at all, A's assessment of pre-July metrics and role importance came out the lowest.

We agreed that I could offer B & C the opportunity to take the layoff and severance package instead. We met with them privately and explained this situation with the layoffs and A; they were understandably shocked, but they both declined. One of them mentioned they themselves have a family to support. (And as I alluded to in the previous post, this small town is unfortunately not much of a candidate market, especially in this specific industry.)

Thankfully, and I misunderstood this initially (me and HR had a miscommunication): all of the employees being laid off will have an extension of employer-paid health insurance in their severance packages. So A won't even have to be paying any COBRA fees for a few months at least.

Come Tuesday morning, we laid off the chosen people in our office including A. It was mentally exhausting, a lot of tears and shocked faces, but we explained the severance package and health coverage. I personally mentioned to A I was open to being a reference if he needed one. A actually reached out to me, B, C & D via email that night and thanked us for being a great team; though he had some choice words about our company, unsurprisingly. The 4 of us have been adjusting to our new workflow, and other than A not being here I don't feel much has changed in our relationships (of course, I understand and I'm sure HR understands that B & C might be updating their resumes now.)

So that's all, at least for now. There was never going to be a good ending here, but at least A's health insurance is being extended. So he can use that time to adjust, and he can use the free time in his day to commit to helping his family (he was very clearly struggling with balancing that with work).

Reminder - I am not the original poster.